CHAPTER 27: WHISPERS
—The sound of that rage is very familiar to Subaru.
Subaru: “The witch's, stink...”
This makes it the second time that Subaru has been faced with hostility for this reason. Picking up the scent that Subaru himself can't smell, Garfiel glares with a hatred as if Subaru were his parents' enemy. Subaru already knew the sharpness of that gaze, and that torrent of hostility.
The witch's stench. The criminal's lingering scent. A man bewitched.
That was how she had sworn at him, it worsening his relation to the point she even once stole his life.
Garfiel: “What're yer lookin' so damn spaced out fer. Hittin' the bullseye make yer mouth stop workin'?”
The shock and shivering blocks Subaru's throat. Garfiel speaks with unending anger, his arms hanging loosely at his sides, but guard raised. He's keeping watch on Subaru's every move, the faint familiarity supposedly existing between the two of them thoroughly driven away.
Subaru: “That, witch's stink thing...”
Garfiel: “Ah?”
Subaru: “The stench drifting around my body, after I left the tomb—ever since after the TRIAL, is it safe to say it's been there?”
Garfiel: “...Yeah. 'Till then it wasn't anythin' t'worry 'bout, but second y'came back yer fuckin' stank. Dun givva crap what ya did inside, but my amazin' self ain't so soft 's to trust some bastard who makes that kinda fuckin' stink.”
Garfiel nods. Subaru gives a small sigh and closes his eyes. The witch's stench. The timing when its thickness increased was almost undoubtedly directly following his RETURN BY DEATH. It was an enigma that he'd been having suspicions about for some time, but unconsciously avoided giving and answer to. Now, although belated, Subaru accepts one piece of that answer.
—The thing that made Natsuki Subaru RETURN BY DEATH, was the Witch.
He didn't know the reason. They should have no relation. But there was a mysterious kind of comprehension and acceptance to be had in it. The sensation was as if being stuck on a puzzle one piece away from being solved, last piece in hand, and finally completing the image, stating the answer he had already known.
Subaru: “Just what on earth connection does this have to me? ...My life was completely unrelated to supernatural phenomena until I came to this world. And even since coming here, I've never had a direct meeting with the great and topical Witch... Far from it, I was dead like six hours within being summoned.”
Subaru had been granted the trait of RETURN BY DEATH when he was summoned to this world. If that had a relationship to the witch, then the summoning itself would also be connected to the witch. He hadn't even once desired a clear answer to this question, but—
Subaru: “In the end, can't avert my eyes to this, either...”
Garfiel: “Hell're you mutterin' about. 'F yer got time t'fuss over nonsense n' crap, get yerself to the cathedral and sleep. 'Causin' trouble fer my amazin' self.”
Subaru: “...You're really overlooking this? If I'm gonna say it like you would, I'm some suspicious bastard making witch stink drift around his whole body. We're alone in the middle of the night with nobody around. This's the perfect situation for a tryst or an assassination.”
Garfiel: “Ha. Ain't like my amazin' self's too impatient t' think that far. ...It'd be easy t'chew yer throat t' shreds right now. But what happens if I do? I at least know that if the half-witch's buddy— you—dies, it'll cause problems even more annoyin'.”
Subaru tilts his head, unable to catch what Garfiel's intention is.
Garfiel: “But,”
Garfiel: “You gettin' closer t' the tomb 'n havin' that stench multiply's a no thanks. Right now the only one who's notice'd be my sharp-nosed amazin' self, but... wouldn't be weird for the granny 'n others 'n this packin' of shit t' notice. Not for more annoyin' ones to, either.”
Subaru: “More annoying...”
Garfiel: “You gotta have one 'er two ideas, yeah? Yer stinkin' cant've been somethin' that only started now. I'm sayin' the fucks who'll smell yer stink, and come.”
Garfiel clicks his fangs, Subaru's breath catching at the excess of possibilities. Garfiel snorts at Subaru's reaction and waves at him as if swatting away a bug.
Garfiel: “So I'm sayin' get outta here. Go now 'n my amazin' self won't do anythin'. 'F you behave tomorrow on too, I ain't gonna chew yer up. But if yer get near the tomb, yer gonna get my amazin' self n' the granny involved. Gonna be a bad experience fer both you n' us.”
Subaru: “Mutual non-interference, you mean. And if that happens, you won't do anything. That sure is tolerant.”
Garfiel: “SURVIVE STEPPIN' ON A GRINGAM'S TAIL. Get gone 'fore I change my mind. 'F it's possible, my amazin' self don't wanna have Ram hate me.”
By putting the name of his crush out there, Garfiel announces his resolve. That his self-restraint is barely keeping the hostility emanating from him in check is clearly communicated. There's still room for Subaru to keep debating, but,
—Retreating from this place would be a good plan.
Coming to that decision, Subaru sighs, shoulders slumping, and takes a step back. Garfiel's posture relaxes. He closes an eye, gives a long sigh out his nose and plops himself down on the road to the tomb, looking up at Subaru who still has his arms crossed.
Garfiel: “Good. Don't you do anythin' unnecessary. —From t'day 'till the TRIAL's over, my amazin' self's gonna spend his time right here. Tomorrow, day after, day after that, mornin' day'n night, I ain't gonna let you get through. Get that remembered.”
Subaru: “...At least take baths, so Ram won't hate you.”
Garfiel: “Go spend yerself so Emilia-sama's capable 'f bustin' through the TRIAL 'fore my stinkin' gets worse than yours. —Get outta here.”
Garfiel closes his eyes, apparently completely serious about spending the night here. He looks covered in openings. Subaru might be able to leave, make a huge detour and reach the tomb by passing through the forest, but,
Subaru: “Let's not.”
Garfiel's probably paying some caution to that possibility too. Garfiel's stopped Subaru here now, while he's been visible, with words. But if Subaru does something that tramples over Garfiel's consideration, Garfiel will put away that restraint. Subaru can come up with no plans of beating an opponent who can throw around Patrasche alongside the carriage, or of escaping beastlike Garfiel's nose.
Subaru: “Here's my payback for ignoring the damn tea party...”
Subaru puts his hand to his forehead, regretting not making good use of his fortune in having had that chat with the witch waiting there for him. Though, it was true that he had nothing to ask her back then, so it wasn't something he could criticize himself about.
Subaru: “But tonight's useless, at least. Have to, take some measures...”
Without getting through Garfiel, Subaru can't get to the tomb. And if Subaru doesn't get to the tomb, he loses a route other than having Emilia take the TRIAL. As far as Subaru's experienced, it's impossible for Emilia to overcome the TRIAL in three days. And if he's unable to take some action within those three days,
Subaru: “Elsa attacks the mansion. I lose the chance to repel Elsa right from under me.”
Although it being dependency on others, Subaru had wanted to speak with Echidna seeking some sideroad. Garfiel has obstructed that. And even should Subaru attempt to conquer the TRIAL devoid of Echidna's opinion, Garfiel will likely obstruct that too. Thinking that far, Subaru realises that the situation is stuck.
Subaru: “Wait, wait, wait... Isn't this situation just plain bad?”
Being that Subaru can't bust through Garfiel, Subaru has to flex his linguistic muscles or otherwise prepare some other plan for getting Garfiel aside if he's going to face the TRIAL. But that's impossible for Subaru to do independently.
Subaru: “But even if I recruit helpers... with these conditions, neither Ram or Otto're on my side.”
Regarding the Royal Selection and the TRIAL tangenting together, Ram and Otto have judged that Emilia being the one to complete the TRIAL is best. That said of course they'd be likely to change their opinion in two days if they see Emilia getting worn out, but
Subaru: “Then we won't make it in time for the attack. There something... anything I can do?”
There's a time difference between the danger Subaru's anticipating and when those around start noticing how distressing the TRIAL is for Emilia. Subaru being rather adamant that he take the TRIAL would also possibly inspire doubts in his belief in Emilia. Just considering what Emilia would think of that gouges Subaru's chest with pain. It was not as though he didn't believe in her. On the contrary, Subaru's firmly believed that if Emilia had the time, she would assuredly fulfil the roles given to her.
—Knowing the task she is to shoulder is an excessively heavy one, can you still think that?
A low, dark whisper from inside Subaru's heart stops his feet in their advance. Subaru occasionally heard whispers like this. Coming from some near-lightless place inside him, aimed at his foolishness in intending to reach out pursuing the ideal, spoken in a voice mocking him from behind his back.
Subaru: “The TRIAL will eat away at her. But, for others' expectations and her for own wish, she'll try to proceed even if it hurts her. That's right.”
—She'll be able to overcome it if she proceeds without contemplating her wounds. Is this idea one you can truly believe?
Do you think that if she keeps walking, bearing the pain, bearing the tears, bearing the wails, the road will someday assuredly open, and her wish will be granted?
—There are wounds unnecessary to shoulder, pasts unnecessary to face, and pasts unnecessary to atone for.
Subaru: “Because she thinks she's obliged, because she thinks she has to do something, she faced her past, and is suffering...”
—But is that truly now? Isn't this just a case of bad timing?
Is the past something you truly should face, or is it not? Must committed sins be atoned for? Should redemption be forced? Emilia rejected this past, not wishing to know of it. And if it weren't for this TRIAL, Subaru would have never thought to have this past exposed against her will.
One day, as time passes and she swallows it down, there might come a chance for her to overcome it. But was that truly now? Was this an appropriate time for it?
Would an answer reached when stirred by obsessive need to do something truly be one with a significance she could be proud in?
Subaru: “I'd say I'm glad I got to face my past, at least. I managed to overcome it, and even knowing it's nothing more than self-satisfaction, my standing here as I am now is my answer.”
—But wasn't that because the preparations for me to face my past were already in place?
There was a girl who was in love with and approved his own self who he had hated. It was because that girl was there, it was thanks to that girl, that Subaru could expose his unsightliness to his parents, lay bare his ugly insides, and regardless raise his head and announce his farewells.
—Right now, are those preparations in place for Emilia?
Having touched one one fragment of the weight of the past she harboured, just how much strength had Subaru's words and actions until now granted her? Just how much had his thin views on life, minuscule efforts, and unsubstantiated voicings of love supported her back?
Subaru: “...Just what should I do with you?”
He loved Emilia. Was in love with her. Wanted to live being in love with her, were his thoughts. He wanted her to think of him with love. Wanted to be loved. Wished to stay in love, was another of his thoughts.
He wanted to do things that would make her happy. He wanted to be her aid. When her thoughts were bitter, painful, sorrowful, he wanted to bear them in her place. And even if he could not, even if he would not be permitted so, he at least wanted to be her support.
—Subaru wanted to do what the girl who had made him stand, do what Rem had done for him.
Like Rem who loved him with all her soul, Subaru wanted to support Emilia. If he did, he believed he would for the first time gain the qualifications to make what he pledged to Rem true. So, right now, the thing that Subaru should do was,
Subaru: “The time you need to stand, the resolution to carry through with something, everything possibly like that... it's me making that for you, huh.”
Balling his hand into a fist, Subaru amends his views on what he should do, letting slip a sigh mixed with a smile. The hell. What he was going to do hadn't changed at all.
Subaru: “Do my best for her. —Put it in words, and that's all this ruminating's about. Well, gotta be aware of what it is you have to do.”
For now it was the unavoidable problems and the obstacles attached. Clear those, and then it was breakthrough plans overflowing with novelty and surprise. He'd start drafting them. He wouldn't be getting time. It was limited. And he couldn't run off of hastily-made, incorrect conclusions. The amount of things he had overlooked until now, doing that, were excessive.
Subaru: “Things're bad and headed worse with no upturn. That things're getting worse the more time that passes feels so real it's mortifying.”
The pattern of 'just leave it to time and things'll sort out' definitely wasn't coming. That said, it was exactly because the world was—as far as Subaru was concerned—so strict, that his struggling, floundering, and opposing had worth.
Subaru: “Conditions are their worst. Time is none. Drowning in things I don't understand as usual, but...”
Completely mundane, same case for anyone, but just by having been given the chance for do-overs, he was so, so much better off. Subaru: “You believe that Natsuki Subaru's courage, will save Emilia!” So let's try struggling through one with his best, and see how it goes.
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