CHAPTER 38: CATERPILLAR
—What first pulls on Subaru's consciousness is the sound of dripping water.
The droplets fall into steady rhythm, every beat cast into the quiet room guiding Subaru's consciousness bit by bit into sobriety. His slumbering brain restarts its function. His nerves complete their instant bootup, giving feeling to the blood circulating his body. He goes to twist, groan, upright himself—but can't.
His limbs listen not to his commands to push himself up. The only action available to him is to chafe his face against the cold ground. He attempts to rely on his returned senses to inspect the surroundings, to find his vision completely swallowed in darkness.
—Both eyes crushed!?
The answer comes quick, but before he can shiver at his conclusion, he notices the tight pressure binding his eyes and discards the theory. Immediately judging himself as apparently being blindfolded, he belatedly notices the oddness of these conditions. Rather than both his eyes be crushed, both his eyes are covered. His inability to move is due to the same reason—his hands and feet are bound firm. Feeling some kind of thin rope at his wrists and ankles, hands tied behind his back, even struggling to attempt to escape the constraints would be a considerable effort.
Subaru: “Wh-what ha...!?”
Fortunately he has not been gagged and his voice comes out normally. But with his hands and feet tied literally, all he can use is his mouth. Subaru doubted that whoever put him in this condition would be amicable enough for chatting alone to satisfy them. Terror directs towards the incomprehensibility of this state, and the complete lack of information about the surroundings. Yet harbouring this jumble of feelings, Subaru quiets his breathing and forces himself to think.
Organise his current status. Eyes—covered. Limbs—bound, unlikely to escape. Can speak. Should he yell for help? Would only draw his captor. Anything nearby to escape the restraints? Crawling to search would be arduous. An ache in the right of his head, which pounds the second he focuses on it, bringing pain.
Subaru: “My head, hurts...”
By recognising the pain in his head, Subaru remembers what fate he met just before losing consciousness. He RETURNED BY DEATH, left the tomb and went to Roswaal to press him with new facts and guesses, flew into a rage at the clown's unforgivable statement, and Garfiel who had been watching him bashed his lights out. No, not even 'bashed his lights out' was phrasing sufficient enough to express the overwhelming power that had forced him down. One single restraining strike from Garfiel had crushed his head, Subaru thinking he would proceed to sink into death. However,
Subaru: “If I died, I'd be post-RETURN BY DEATH now, but...”
Were that true, that his restart point be in tomb after finishing the TRIAL would be correct. RETURN BY DEATH should have retraced the route back to the room he had left barely an hour ago, before he had headed to Roswaal's bedroom. Him being tumbled into abduction-and-confinement conditions like this, as far as Subaru's memory knew, was limited only to that time he flipped the coffee table while imitating an anime, seriously pissed off his father, and was flung into the storehouse as punishment.
That was a memory potentially from before he entered primary school, and Subaru quite doubted he had RETURNED BY DEATH that far. So, if the restart point had not changed, the theory becomes that Subaru had been bound directly after he RETURNED BY DEATH. But that should be impossible, so the only conclusion was—
Subaru: “I didn't die...”
Worked with his head pain, worked with his present circumstances. He committed an act of unsurpassable violence toward Roswaal. Considering that point, that he be treated like this was morally correct. Although emotionally he did not agree with it.
???: “—'S long as yer quick gettin' grips'a the situation yer in.”
Subaru hears a voice from above. He raises his head, and although blinded turns toward the probable direction of the voice. Aware from the tone and vocals who it is,
Subaru: “Garfiel.”
Garfiel: “'Nother one correct. Looks like yer noggin's workin' proper so there's a relief. Whacked ya just a smidge too hard you see, 'pologies 'pologies.”
His tone is not apologetic.
Garfiel: “Who'da thought,”
Garfiel: “Was just tryin' t'give ya'a little tap, didn't imagine yer'd get t'death's door that easy. Heard yer Emilia-sama's knight, so wound up overestimatin' thinkin' you'd be somethin' more.”
Subaru: “Sorry for not matching your expectations. My character type's more brains than brawn, see. ...Where are we?”
Joking back at Garfiel's somewhat scornful line, Subaru enters the main topic. Garfiel gives a short exhale out his nose.
Garfiel: “Relax, yer still 'n SANCTUARY. But this ain't any a' th'cathedral, or th'tomb, or th'house we're lendin' t'visitors.”
Subaru: “You've got a prison room prepared? They do say best to be prepared, but if you've gotta facility like this set up... honestly, ew.”
Garfiel: “Got complaints 'bout the bad taste then tell'em t'who made it. Since in actual you can do yer bitchin' directly, yeh?”
Says Garfiel, dissatisfied are rather sincerely uncomfortable. Subaru scrunches his face, feeling something in Garfiel's words tugging at him.
Subaru: “Directly, meaning what exactly?”
Garfiel: “Don't play dumb when yer fuckin' reekin'a witchstink. Yer met inside th' tomb. 'F you didn't, how'd the stink on you suddenly go up?”
Subaru: “Met in the tomb?”
Something Garfiel's saying is tugging at him. Tomb. TRIAL. Someone he met there. A vacuum. He parted with his parents at the TRIAL, and at the end he went to the empty school building, where—
Subaru: “The witch!”
—He had a rendezvous with Echidna, WITCH OF GREED.
Following along his unease and restoring this deficit, the Echidna's existence again returns to Subaru's brain. Since he had experienced this sensation last loop too, the point of peculiarity becomes why had he forgotten again. Likely it was a result of one of the CONDITIONS or whatever she had conferred on him at their first meeting, but it shocks Subaru that not even RETURN BY DEATH can overcome it.
Although RETURN BY DEATH allowed him to carry over memories, it possessed no counter¬measures toward direct interference with his memory. Meaning that every time Subaru RETURNED BY DEATH, he would forget about Echidna, and would have to start from prior to remembering her.
Subaru: “Then, could this be what Roswaal was saying I forgot...?”
It's a bit of a hasty conclusion. Although remembering Echidna, Subaru can't think of anything during his conversations with her that would help break the present deadlock. This SOMETHING that Roswaal apparently wanted Subaru to remember, going by how he spoke, in itself could make Roswaal reveal his unreadable true feelings. Although, this again only mattered if the perfect gospel he owns is correct.
Garfiel: “Yer shuttin' up means yer feelin' guilty or that ya got an idea.”
Subaru: “I'm not a highschool girl who dies if she's not talking so I do quietly mull over say, one or two things. 'One or two things''d kinda be too little thinking right now though.”
There are so many things to sort out, Subaru alone would not have enough brain cells for it. There was Emilia. There was Rem. There was Beatrice. —Listing out women's names like this makes Subaru want to make a jab at these circumstances he's in but, there was SANCTUARY, there was Elsa, Roswaal's true intentions, the GOSPELS. And,
Subaru: “There's Garfiel.”
Garfiel's persuading and assistance is an indispensable, necessary piece in Subaru's mental blueprints for saving the mansion. Subaru likely cannot prepare any combat power greater than Garfiel for repelling Elsa. That Subaru is relying on Garfiel for the Elsa fight is because, both with his eyes and with his head, Subaru has gotten to appreciate Garfiel's strength.
Subaru: “...If I'm remembering right, I think I got punched and kicked and my head destroyed by you but, what happened there?”
Garfiel: “Ha. Took a bit a' talkin' for that topic t'finally fuckin' come up. Didn't go far as destroyin', jus' caved in 'sall. Yer'd die if we left you like that and that'd be a problem, so yer gotta bit'a goddamn healin'.”
Subaru: “Healing... from who?”
Garfiel: “Think there's anyone'n this place 'cept my amazin' self who couldda done it?”
Garfiel's tone carries some pride, and Subaru is stunned silent. He hadn't thought that rough and tumble Garfiel would have studied healing magic. Still tied up, Subaru twists about.
Subaru: “My head's still got its normal shape and isn't a cube or a pyramid, right?”
Garfiel: “Next time it's busted, I'll make a shape where you'll be proppin' it up with yer hands.”
Garfiel gives a floored sigh. Subaru at least confirms that he is out of near-death conditions.
Subaru: “Since you're the one who busted it it feels wrong to thank you for the healing, but... what exactly is your aim, doing this?”
Garfiel: “Well, what do yer think's my aim?”
Subaru: “Looking at conditions and from your perspective, knocking me out there was the proper decision so I won't complain about that. I completely flipped out and I'm glad you stopped me is not what I don't think is not what I'll not say is the kind of thing I have mountains of things of.”
Garfiel: “Ain't that mentality damn complicated. I get wantin' t'bash that asshole's smug face in, but doin' that's gonna be trouble for the granny 'n them.”
Seems Garfiel shares Subaru's feelings toward the clown. But both Garfiel and Subaru depend too much on him to be capable of cutting loose and riding off that emotion. For Subaru he is his patron, and for Garfiel he is a needed landlord.
But that Garfiel first mentioned Lewes and the other inhabitants of SANCTUARY feels incredibly unlike him. This seems to support Frederica's valuation of her little brother Garfiel. And after all, the reason he stayed inside SANCTUARY, rather than leave with her, was out of consideration for the residents' feelings.
Subaru: “Lewes-san and the others are important, and Roswaal's presence is indispensable to protect their livelihood. If this guy and his DEMIHUMAN FANCY aren't around, this SANCTUARY and its residents, unable to even go outside, can't maintain their lifestyle.”
Garfiel: “Stop linin' up embarassin' ideas with that smartass look. Who the hell'd be here 'cuzza that sentimental reason. My amazin' self's just here since I can't leave th' place, so...”
Subaru: “You can't leave, when your blood relative Frederica could, Garf?”
New information fresh from last loop. Punctuating his sentence with that 'Garf', Subaru means to peek into Garfiel's attitude. But Garfiel's reaction comes with a sternness that transcends Subaru's imagination.
The wind whistles, and the next instant an incredible boom thunders from beside Subaru's head. The air-rending noise reverberates, and before Subaru's brain can realise that this was Garfiel stomping at blinding speed, the ground fractures and the room's shape shifts.
The ground warps upward, Subaru shrieking as the shockwave sends him flying. He tumbles across the hard floor, slamming into the wall and coming to a forced stop. His brain jolts, the shock to his back wrings his lungs of air, his banged head issues with intense pain. Subaru coughs, drool trailing out the corners of his mouth.
Garfiel: “Who fuckin' told you that, piece of shit. Fuckin' Frederica spillin' things she... no, she wouldn't say this. We thoroughly severed the sibling link 'tween us at our goodbye.”
Subaru: “You can't sever the blood in your body with a figure of spee...”
Garfiel: “'M sayin' it feels wrong that yer sayin' it now, this late. 'F you were gonna use that, there's lots of better places you could've.”
Garfiel gets his disgustingly sharp intuition going. As if he's been stocking up on facts Subaru didn't know, while Subaru wasn't looking. Garfiel's ideas are not wrong—in fact, they are exactly perfect, but the road of thought he used to get to them was excessively direct. It was as if he possessed abnormally great perceptiveness, or otherwise some kind of LEAD FOR THOUGHT.
Subaru: “No way... you, too?”
—The instant Subaru thinks upon the possibility, he is unable to conceal his voice's shaking.
The reply is an eerie silence. It was in truth probably only several seconds, but for Subaru it was equivalent to an eternity.
No reply. Why wasn't he talking. Subaru's question was considerably nonspecific. It would be better for him to say 'don't get it, don't get it' and send Subaru flying with a kick. Were there that kind of hasty reaction, Subaru could still cling. But,
Garfiel: “Me too... say.”
Footsteps. The falls of Garfiel's shoes against the stone floor approach directly to Subaru's side, and Subaru can tell that Garfiel is squatted down beside him. Subaru raises his head, and most likely with his face drawn right next to Subaru's, baring his fangs,
Garfiel: “Why're you thinkin' that, huh?”
Subaru: “Stop speaking in a way that's driving up this bad hunch. I just said something that made no sense, right? You can nice and easily, please deny it... right?”
Garfiel: “You sound like yer gonna cry.”
Says Garfiel, dumbstruck. The reply only panics Subaru further, his deepest thoughts already a jumbled mess.
He wanted Garfiel, with his excessively good guess, to deny it. But the replies Subaru is getting are meaningful, backing up the premonition in Subaru's heart.
He had found that Beatrice and Roswaal, people allied in his faction, possessed GOSPELS. As far as Subaru was concerned, a third character appearing with one would not be strange. Subaru: “Then! So you know too!” Garfiel: “—Ah, so that's what this's about. Wonder where you noticed.” Subaru: “—!?”
Garfiel gives a listless sigh. Garfiel: “Y'seem surprised, but it can't be that strange. My amazin' self's been a resident of SANCTUARY forever, so we've known each other for ages 'n ages. The chance'd come one or two times.”
Subaru: “B-but... you—you're supposed to hate the WITCH. So much you'd overreact like that... but...” Garfiel: “Yeah, I do. I hate the WITCH, I don't trust yer witch-stinkin' self, half-witch Emilia-sama ain't a pleasure for the eyes either. But y'see, I don't think what that thing says's wrong. At least, 's true that it knew what my amazin' self wanted t'know.”
Subaru: “What you, wanted to know...”
Garfiel: “—I got no fuckin' reason t'tell you that. How 'bout you try askin' from yer end. Though, y'might not be gettin' another chance at it.” Spits Garfiel, who stands up, takes range from Subaru, and places his hand on the exit to the prison room. The wooden door squeaks. Subaru: “Hey!” Subaru: “Wait! ...Wh-what'll happen with me. Or actually, what is happening with me?” Garfiel: “Fer tryin' t'kill Roswaal, yer sure gettin' off soft. Well f'r now you're getting' the bound n' confined treatment 'till the results come out.” Confinement—was a word he had just heard several days ago. And from Roswaal's mouth. That Subaru's violence toward him, who was supposed be in that confinement, had dropped him into the same circumstances was excessively ironic. Garfiel snorts. Garfiel: “You'll be gettin' meals at mornin' n' evenin'. Just don't pull anythin' funny. My amazin' self'll be chaperonin' the caretaker role perfect, see.”
Subaru: “That kinda worry... isn't what I have right now! Anyway, results? You said results? What're the results? What're you waiting...?” Garfiel: “Ain't the results obvious?” Garfiel: “—The results of Emilia-sama's TRIAL. When sh'hears what you pulled, and 'f atonement for that's her motive, she'll sure get enthusiastic for it.”
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
—Garfiel leaves the room, leaving Subaru to sink into his thoughts.
The words Garfiel left him with aren't leaving his head. It seems like Emilia is stirring herself up, challenging the TRIAL to clear Subaru's name. The thought appears to be one of, 'if SANCTUARY is freed, the achievement will be capable of washing over the scandal Subaru committed.' It's a very Emilia-esque way to think, and completely undoubting of Subaru.
Subaru: “But, back at that moment...”
Albeit enraged, Subaru was sincerely wringing Roswaal's neck. His hands grasped tight on a human being's neck, his considerable grip obstructed their throat, all while using strength to snap their bones or sever their breathing.
Although his arms are bound behind his back, Subaru can tell his fingers are trembling. If he were to forget his rage in that moment, all that remained in his hands was the wake of a dark heat, which had gone to threaten the life of another person. Nausea wells up from his empty stomach. And considering the target of that murderous will was a familiar character, that only compounded it.
Subaru: “I just, don't know anymore...”
Who to trust, what to think, how to act, nothing.
What was Beatrice's position? The GOSPEL she owned? The days they spent? What was Roswaal thinking? His perfected GOSPEL was? What was he wishing for Subaru to remember? The true meaning behind his overinexplicable position? What to do to make Emilia conquer the TRIAL? No, was making her face the TRIAL correct in the first place? He did not even know the beginning any more. Garfiel's intentions, and did he possess a GOSPEL? Without his cooperation beating Elsa was impossible. Their relationship worsening with every RETURN BY DEATH, what action would manage to bring him to the mansion? What to do about Elsa's attack, repel or evacuate? Why had the timing of the attack changed between the first and second loops? Why did that murderer know about an escape route that she should not? Elsa's employer was? What was necessary to repel her? He could never forgive her.
Then was the purpose and origin of SANCTUARY. The gist of the remaining TRIALS, and why did the TRIALS exist? Echidna's goals, and what to do to meet her again? What happened last loop in the depopulated Sanctuary? In that final instant, what was it that had killed and devoured Subaru?
Subaru: “I don't have... a single, answer.”
Round and round and round in his head they go, endless problems without solutions. His eyelids painfully bound and vision sealed, any person unable to register the world around them would find nowhere to ask their questions except for inside themselves. Being that Subaru's insides were packed only with mysteries and doubts, he was in deadlock.
What tormented Subaru was not his unanswered doubts, but impatience at the slowly-moving hours that he spent submerged with his thoughts.
His covered eyes meant this was not definite, but Subaru senses that it would be highly likely if a day had already passed since the night he strangled Roswaal. Subaru supposes that he has been jailed in a hidden building in the forest. Even taking consideration the lack of light source, the chilliness of the place stands out.
He inevitably had to think that, compared to the midday temperatures he had experienced until now, this place was especially cold. Although, more than useful of thinking like that, was the thought that it was night and after sunset. If he thus presumed it was presently night, then it meant at least an entire day had passed.
Natsuki Subaru had sustained multiple wounds cuts and bruises ever since being summoned to this parallel world. His body yet remembered from experience the healing accordant to the severity of the wounds. By Subaru's judging, having half of his head crushed, or otherwise said halved, was plainly a lethal wound. That his life was saved without Felis could honestly only be called a miracle. Garfiel was extremely skilled, most likely.
This world was fundamentally one that, if the patient was not dead, most wounds could be healed depending on the proficiency of the healing practitioner. Naturally, the heavier the wounds were, the more burden it would take to mend them. The stamina needed to cure wounds and fatigue. Taking these points into consideration, Subaru's wounds on this occasion were not ones feeling realistically to have been healed within several hours, or rather said within the same night. More than likely, evening had passed. But what supported this speculation more than anything was,
Subaru: “I'm hungry...”
The grumbling of his stomach, gone the entire time without receiving anything, asserting its existence.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
The passing of time, hours indistinct, wears at Subaru's mind.
Restrained without any change, as yet left endlessly in the prison room, time passes.
Subaru had tested charting time by counting the seconds of the frequent vacuums, but his count begins to err over even the span of an hour, and he finally succumbs to resignation. What would happen this late even if he knew the time? Besides,
Subaru: “It's probably too late...”
Meals had already been brought to Subaru six times. With the regular morning-evening twice-a-day schedule, that meant three days had already passed. Three days since Subaru woke up—meaning a time later than the fifth day since his arrival in SANCTUARY. Departing SANCTUARY this morning to arrive at the mansion would be pushing it on the presuming timing of Elsa's attack. The moment that he passed this juncture, he will have missed the deadline.
Subaru had bungled from the very first point of this loop. No matter how much he regrets his leaping at Roswaal, the regret does not end. If he had not ridden off his emotions that far, he would have gained more confidence in matters from Roswaal, and most importantly would not have worsened relations with Garfiel and been imprisoned.
The result of leaving himself to the seething heat of emotion was this caterpillar state. Unable to accomplish a single one of the things he should do, never seeing the faces of those he thought to protect, exposing his unsightliness and terrified of the approaching time. Subaru had already given up on this TRY.
Subaru: “—I sure, fucked this up.”
Due to Subaru's error, he had lost means to prevent the tragedy at the mansion. That meaning, the survival of the four inside the mansion was looking hopeless. Rem, Petra, Frederica, Beatrice—Subaru would knowingly leave them to die. After screaming, denouncing Roswaal for the exact same thing.
Subaru: “...I'm shit. Just fucking die.”
He wanted to just fucking die. If there was no change to the restart point and he could re-do, Subaru could return to that night, and challenge again. That would not change that he was stumbling blind without any clue of where to start, but it was infinitely preferable to this abysmal disgrace. Infinitely preferable, was how he should have been able to do things. He had to do it.
Subaru: “If I don't, then for what purpose...”
Had he, biting open his lip and accepting giving up, resolved to see the end through?
Saving the mansion was impossible. Judging this time's DEATH as unavoidable, Subaru immediately commits suicide and RETURNS BY DEATH—is not what happens. Indeed the situation is the worst, and continuing to live was for Subaru equivalent to waiting for an empty, meaningless future. He should bet on RETURN BY DEATH, rewind the world, and endeavour to gain the victory of the optimum future. But,
Subaru: “I return without knowing anything, and I'm just back where I started again.”
At the very least, what happened in SANCTUARY while Subaru was gone? What would happen in Sanctuary past the sixth day? That alone he needed to confirm. It was for that purpose Subaru had shouted his throat hoarse, bitten his molars to crack, swallowed down his regrets toward the mansion, and given up on this try.
If now was the fifth day, something should happen tomorrow.
Over this three-day period, only Garfiel and a caretaker had visited the prison room. Subaru did not comprehend the caretaker's disposition, completely silent as they entirely followed Garfiel's instructions. But from how they wiped an immobile Subaru's body and fed him, he supposed it may be a woman. In an environment with his every move watched, Subaru received no further time for investigation. Thus, Subaru did not know the background of the person aiding Garfiel.
However, this was a place that Emilia, roused to help Subaru, could not find.
It was probably a secret location for Garfiel and his helper, a place difficult to discover, and difficult for Subaru to send an SOS from. Regardless, being that Garfiel and Roswaal had decided between them that Subaru be confined, sneaking out would be pointless anyway.
Subaru: “If Emilia can conquer the TRIAL for the sake of helping me, that's more than excellent, but...”
If the situation were reversed, Subaru could likely say with confidence that he would overcome the TRIAL for Emilia's sake. But no vision arises of Emilia surpassing the TRIAL for Subaru's sake. He doubted his existence granted her that much motivation—was the thinking of an excessively self-undervaluing Subaru. Though in reality, that no fortuitous news had come in likely meant that, identical to the loops so far, Emilia was unable to overcome her PAST no matter how much she challenged it.
Meaning, the situation at the mansion, with SANCTUARY, with Subaru and with Emilia, were all stuck in a deadlocked clotting of shit. The same report Garfiel had once roared at Subaru—that very thing.
Subaru: “Yeah, I...”
—Have to do something.
Emilia, the mansion, SANCTUARY, every single problem that came up. With this method, with the only single weapon this body had been granted, he would overcome it all.
A quiet determination. His poorness at giving up, was the only thing that kept Subaru going. Conclusions he had reached repeatedly over this long, long period of thought. Giving a nod to this heart of his which he had already discovered more times than his fingers could count, Subaru waits.
—It was after he felt the sensation of his sleeping body being shaken, that the situation moves.
Subaru: “—nnnm”
His shoulder grasped by someone and his body uprighted, Subaru returns from shallow sleep into reality. Signs of drool on his mouth. He cannot use his hands, so he wipes with his shoulder—is a rather strenuous action, but he has started becoming used to it. Wiping his wetted mouth,
Subaru: “Who... is this?”
His hoarse voice is the result of waking up and of having screamed his throat raw. Yelling any more is guaranteed to break his throat. That he has become capable of half-ignoring the blood-spitting pain is not something he is happy for.
The person who awoke Subaru gives a short sigh. And,
???: “Sorry for this in the middle of your nap, but can you move, Natsuki-san?”
Subaru: “Auh?”
The voice that answers is not one Subaru had anticipated. He cannot help making a stupid sound in response. Perhaps mistaking Subaru's surprise for drowsiness, the other quietly says, “Ah, dear,” lightly tapping Subaru's cheek with his palm.
???: “I also crossed a dangerous bridge coming here to help you, please liven up. I'm sure neither of us would like to end here.”
They say, cutting through Subaru's hand and feet restraints with a blade. Confirming the feeling of his freed hands and feet, Subaru violently pulls off the blindfold,
???: “Wauhh, your hands, feet, even your eyes look sore.”
In the centre of Subaru's somewhat crooked vision, his expression disquieted, is the hazy visage of a man.
A character here for no discernible reason, this is the unforeseen on-stage of Otto Swein.
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