CHAPTER 83: MUTUAL CONFESSIONS
Feeling the prickling pressure on his skin, Subaru understands that his statement has touched on the core of Roswaal's motives.
Roswaal's smile now was the same breed of grin that he had given before being devoured by hares in the snow, as he revealed a portion of his plans.
Roswaal: “Noooooooow why is it you think that?”
Although late, Roswaal's obfuscations show no desire to move the conversation forward. Subaru clicks his tongue.
Subaru: “Say why or say whatever,”
Subaru: “It's cause the way you're turning down my proposal doesn't feel sincere. When you throw on a condition right at the start that freeing SANCTUARY's required, of course I'm gonna suspect something.”
Roswaal: “Which is why I believe I followed on the subject with a logical eeeeeeeeexplanation. Further, it is also essential that I receive proof for our henceforth collaborations. Emilia-sama's persistent foundation and aid—that being, you and your guidance to the most appropriate solutions standing at her side. It is in this that I want you to make me believe. The requirement for that is liberating SANCTUARY.”
Subaru: “But my thinking's that it doesn't have to be liberation, whatever methods to escape from here'd be fine. If you're looking for chances for me to prove myself, we can prepare lots of opportunities for it later, and...”
Roswaal: “Actually I would like to ask you.”
In rebuttal to Subaru, Roswaal raises a finger. Subaru, interrupted, falls silent as Roswaal gives a collected nod.
Roswaal: “You dooooooo seem dreadfully timid aaaaaaabout the TRIAL. Almost as if there is some reason in it for you to not desire to free SANCTUARY?”
Subaru: “Like hell I don't want to! I wanna get this barrier open fast and drag the problems unsolvable inside to the outside... but.”
Roswaal: “But?”
Words piling up on each other before he can notice it, Subaru realises that he is close to getting sucked into Roswaal's rhythm. If he starts chatting, yelling without thinking, the con is going to fall into Roswaal's victory. As calm as he can, Subaru chooses his words.
Subaru: “I don't wanna see Emilia's heart wounded from challenging that TRIAL.”
Roswaal: “Which is exactly what your authority's for? Should Emilia-sama stumble with the TRIAL, all you need to do is substitute for her. This is without issue. The important thing is the actuality of the liberation, would be your logic.”
Subaru: “Nh, guh...”
Near-convinced by words he himself had spoken, Subaru bites his lip as he searches for something to say. But, advocating ridiculousness atop ridiculousness would not not lead to him saying anything particularly sensible.
Subaru: “Of course I know that it's fine whether it's me or Emilia who beats the TRIAL. That thing bringing up past wounds is too hard for Emilia. I know I should be substituting... but.”
Roswaal: “Please don't start spouting any naivety about the TRIAL being too painful for yourself as well, and so yooooooou're searching for a bypath.”
Roswaal's gaze harshens, his words compound in sharpness.
Roswaal: “Your own piteousness, and the pain for yourself... if that is why you mean to find an alternate method, then that's all your feelings for Emilia-sama aaaaaaaaamount to?”
Subaru: “That's not..!”
Roswaal: “What it is? Truly? How can you possibly assert that? How can you make anyone believe that? When you think of Emilia-sama, then you should naturally swallow down all hurt and pain and suffering. Supposing you love Emilia-sama, naturally you should be capable of this. Should you hold Emilia-sama dearer than anything, prioritise Emilia-sama over everything, regard all other as miniscule existences present for the sake of bolstering Emilia-sama to greater heights... surely there would be no issue?”
Roswaal's fluently-spoken words and instructive tempo threaten to engulf Subaru. While Roswaal's statements are the very image of extreme logic, should one understand Subaru's RETURN BY DEATH, then this is an obvious conclusion to reach. Had this been an earlier Subaru, before Satella had revealed his true feelings at the tea party, then he ultimately might find himself agreeing with this logic.
—Right. That was it.
Subaru had intended to declare to Roswaal that he would never be like him. But, assuming for hypothesis that he had taken Echidna's hand at the tea party, then surely he would be living exactly the lifestyle Roswaal desired.
Abandoning all thought, picking through his options, seeking only the results, slighting absolutely everything.
No matter how much I am injured, so long as Emilia and everyone else is smiling in the desired future beyond, that is fine—was what he had thought. But would that Natsuki Subaru, having elected only to withstanding suffering, ultimately be able to smile at their side as they were?
—Would he be capable of anything more than something faint and dry, spurred by the obligation that he needed to smile?
Subaru: “...What you're saying's, in a sense, probably correct, Roswaal.”
Roswaal: “In a sense?”
Closing his eye, Roswaal tilts his head at Subaru's meaningful reply. With his yellow gaze staring at him, Subaru spits his words.
Subaru: “As you say, if I throw away everything and try protecting only Emilia... she's almost guaranteed to be within saving. But that's not enough.”
Roswaal: “Not enough...”
Subaru: “I'll save Emilia. But saving just Emilia isn't enough to satisfy me. Rem, and Beatrice, the SANCTUARY guys and mansion guys, all the people who helped me in the Capital... I want to save everyone together.”
Roswaal: “—”
Subaru: “Your lifestyle of being satisfied with just one person isn't possible for me. Honestly right now I can't tell whether it's you or me who's the greedy one.”
The attitude of persistently loving a single person, and abandoning everything for them was in a way, beautiful. Describe it as being in LOVE, and that is exactly the noble deed it is.
Roswaal's methods might be the absolute in perfection for a single man's lifestyle. But to pull this off required horrifying resolve. A soul-whittling life of scouring away everything except his precious one was likely impossible for Subaru. Subaru's capabilities remained minuscule as ever—and Subaru remained just as much a selfish child as ever.
Roswaal: “...It seeeeeeeems your methods for polishing your resolve yet remain iiiiiiiinsufficient.”
Subaru says nothing.
Roswaal: “For a slight... yes, for just a slight, I had hopes. That peeeeeeerhaps, I might see my desired future. But... it doesn't seem like that's poooooossible.”
Unfortunate, says the shake of Roswaal's head. Their exchange had just revealed to Roswaal that Subaru was undecided on whether he possessed the resolve that Roswaal intended. For a Roswaal who desired a Subaru ready to conquer with unfeeling resolve, this present Subaru was disappointing and defective. It simultaneously meant he was witnessing the endpoint of his life.
Roswaal: “I wonder just how many more times... are you going tooooooo discourage me.”
Subaru: “If that's what you think then I'd say it's fine for you to be more cooperative with me. If you could be more unsparing with helping me out, that solves the majority of the problems.”
Announces Subaru rather ironically to the disappointed Roswaal. Subaru, devoid of any combat ability, desperately craved Roswaal's assistance. His incredible magic which rained fire on a forest of witchbeasts, and skills which accurately scorched the attacking hares—for countering the Sizeable Hare, Roswaal was indispensable. Said the other way around, if Subaru could secure Roswaal as an ally then that alone would resolve most of the problems in SANCTUARY. But Roswaal shakes his head at Subaru's cheap-but-reliable request.
Roswaal: “My apologies for the disappointment, but I cannot. Collaborating with the present you presents far too few benefits fooooooor me. Hypothetically... yes, let's hypothetically say that I assist you, and by that you overcome this situation. Your resolve will remain uncertain, and in the future you and Emilia-sama will assuredly crash into further obstacles... will you then rely on me again? Postponing the resolve that you truly should have sorted out here, and panicking bewildered once you fall into an unrecoverable situation?”
Subaru says nothing.
Roswaal: “You see, Subaru-kun, I... cannot give my assistance unless it is to someone I can trust for achieving my goal. A relationship entirely of your dependence is unneeded for my purposes. And so I want you to do whatever you can to convince me, and show me you have the resolve to go forward.”
Subaru: “Your, goal...”
Roswaal: “In this attempt it appears it will go unfulfilled, and that is a regret. I am placing my hopes in the next opportunity. When you are truly, and correctly capable of accepting your power.”
This talk is over, says Roswaal's posture as his body loses its strength, and he lies down on the bed. Roswaal had just lost any meaning for his PRESENT self to live. Likely his intentions are to resignedly watch Subaru proceed to fail and redo, to conclusion.
Should the conversation end on him here, Subaru will remain without achieving a single one of the purposes he came here for. Watching as Roswaal waves his hand to urge Subaru out of the room, Subaru frantically forces himself to think.
Subaru: “...What's a way I can demonstrate my resolve that'll convince you?”
Roswaal: “Hrm... sincerely speaking, I would prefer you surmise that by your ongoing interactions with me, but no matter how many reattempts you make for that purpose it will be a completely pointless waste of time.”
Putting his hand to his chin, Roswaal again uprights himself.
Roswaal: “The framework is that liberating SANCTUARY would achieve that. But your actions are essential for liberating SANCTUARY, and you must be fit with the resolve to not mind reattempting regardless the number of tries. SANCTUARY being liberated of itself is proof of your hardened resolve.”
Subaru: “But why is that? While yeah when it comes to answers that might be the closest you can get, but if it's only that... if it's just surmounting the TRIAL, then how does that connect to me being resolved to throw away everything? Potential for Emilia to overcome the TRIAL herself..”
Roswaal: “Is non-existent.”
Sensing that Roswaal's statements are incredibly extreme, Subaru impulsively lines up the rebuttals. But Roswaal's response is cutting, and entirely cold. The sharpness of the reply daunts Subaru. Roswaal wags his finger.
Roswaal: “Your flickering hopes will not come to fruition. Emilia-sama will never overcome the TRIAL. That thing has too weak a nature for it.”
Subaru: “...That thing?”
Roswaal: “Entirely. I'm sure some of it is from circumstances of her upbringing and traditions, but that thing is useless. She can't even stand by herself, she is a small, weak, brittle child. Watching her act out of guilt and remorse is so courageous I even feel pity.”
Having never heard Roswaal judge Emilia in this way before, Subaru is speechless. Courageous, tenacious, soft-hearted and eager Emilia. Right now she was caught in a bad turn of fate and unable to solve the TRIAL. But, Subaru believed that given her time she would assuredly conquer her past, and that she had the strength to lead SANCTUARY to its freedom. That Subaru was thinking to take over the TRIAL in Emilia's place was because the necessary time wasn't there, and he couldn't bear seeing a wounded Emilia. Not because he had given up, and judged that Emilia was incapable of beating the TRIAL.
Subaru: “And you still think Emilia can't... then why, so then why did you bring her!?”
Roswaal: “Because you're here. With your presence, even a weak, powerless half-elf can aim for the throne. No, they will take the throne. Of course. You'll remove all contrary paths, and make her desires come realised. That is the power vested in you. If Emilia-sama is to have any value, it is in holding the strongest card, which is you, in hand.”
Subaru: “I'm... the strongest, card?”
Roswaal's piling and dizzying statements, these fantastical words about him being strongest, lead Subaru into utter confusion. These are adjectives foreign to his powerless self. And Roswaal's words are quite incredibly insulting toward Emilia, and unforgivable.
Subaru: “Just fuck off! How much do you think Emilia's... that Emilia's pushed herself, thought things over, suffered in challenging this fucking TRIAL! Forced to look at a past she doesn't want to see, but still she... she's trying so hard! And you're saying—!”
Roswaal: “All is worthless without results. And that these results aren’t coming, you should know far, faaaaaaaaar better thaaaaaaaaan I. If Emilia-sama's efforts had produced results, then you would've had no reason to reeeeeeeturn here.”
Subaru: “—hk!”
Subaru can shout himself ragged in rage, but Roswaal's composure remains unassailed. Far the opposite—as if his superheated thoughts have been doused in water, Subaru reaches a conclusion of utter speechlessness. Roswaal's statement had captured a portion of the truth.
As far as Subaru had seen, there would be no attempt where Emilia would overcome the TRIAL. The barricade of the past would stand in her way through her continued challenges, and every time she hit it, her heart would fold and abrade. Unable to lean on her relied-upon Puck, a fully-abraded Emilia would eventually mistake her dependency on Subaru for love, and break.
And because Subaru knew that future, he couldn't rebut Roswaal even with an emotional argument. But there was no way he could stay silent and ignore insults to Emilia.
Roswaal, looking down on Emilia and expecting far too much of Subaru's RETURN BY DEATH. How best to dispirit him—the instant he thinks it, Subaru shouts.
Subaru: “Fine, yeah, I get what you're saying! But y'know! Your plan's still going nowhere!”
Roswaal: “Hm, and what would you...”
Subaru: “So here you want me to beat the TRIAL instead of Emilia... but Echidna revoked my qualifications to take the TRIAL! You're not gonna be getting the outcome you're hoping for from me! Too bad, huh!”
Yells Subaru with his hand to his chest, aiming his words at Roswaal composed face. It was a painful affair for Subaru himself, but it should be a devastating blow for Roswaal and his plans. No way even Roswaal could keep calm faced with this, says the crooked smile Subaru intends to make, when—
Roswaal: “—Revoked, your qualifications?”
The sound is muttered, desolate, and feeble—that Subaru is slow to realise it came from Roswaal.
Roswaal, right there leaned on the bed, has frozen rigid. His eyes stand open still and wide, lips trembling as he looks at Subaru. As if his usual composed attitude, all-knowing air, and untouchable queerness—had all peeled away.
Roswaal: “What could it mean...”
Subaru: “What could it? ...It means what it means.”
Called upon in faltering voice, Subaru unwittingly answers with his own tone unstrung. Overwhelmed by a diction which sounds nothing like the Roswaal he knows, Subaru wets his thirsting throat with spit.
Subaru: “Echidna disqualified me. Forget the doubles' command right, I'm in a situation where just trying to enter the tomb is vertigo. ...I'm in the same position as you, of being rejected if I try going in.”
Roswaal: “How, come... no, why had this... You take the TRIAL in the tomb... otherwise, this SANCTUARY's liberation, her wish...”
Hand to his mouth, Roswaal mutters in empty voice, his expression one of disbelief. Seeing this unexpectedly intense reaction, Subaru senses his statement had more effect than just revenge, himself falling lost for words. Roswaal panicking was something he had never seen in this loop series, or more rather never seen at all, and he was beginning to lose sight of what part of their conversation could have such an impact on him. Subaru swallows his breath.
Subaru: “Does your gospel say that I beat the TRIAL?”
Roswaal: “—”
Subaru: “I know that if doesn't go according to the writ, you're ready to abandon everything. If you've decided that defeating SANCTUARY is my role... now, it won't happen.”
Like how his victory over the first TRIAL carried over, like how the witches could share his memories happening across RETURN BY DEATHS, the Witch of Greed's castle was separated from the principles of this world. Even should he RETURN BY DEATH, that would not weaken the memories or feelings from there. Which was why Subaru had felt saved there, and had harboured more than a little fondness for Echidna. —Thus, he knows now.
Even should he hypothetically die and return to the tomb, Subaru would not regain his qualifications. He would need Echidna's permission to reattain them, he would need to enter the tomb to gain Echidna's permission, and he would need the qualifications to enter the tomb. —In short, Subaru had perfectly lost means to challenge the tomb's TRIAL.
Roswaal: “Ways to regain the qualifications...”
Subaru: “If there are any, you'd know better than me. If you're saying you don't know it, I don't know it.”
Although answering to Roswaal's faint voice, Subaru internally does notice a possibility. Most likely, Echidna was even now watching Subaru's struggles and hardships from inside her tomb. She probably revoked the qualifications in something of a bedevilment toward Subaru who had rejected her hand, and was looking to see what a Subaru who had taken Satella's hand could do. If along that process the failures piled up on Subaru, and without any cards left to play he came crying and clinging back to Echidna, the witch would probably offer him her hand.
—But should he take Echidna's hand the next time she presents it, that would mean throwing away every syllable of Satella's words, and every feeling his heart harboured even now in this moment.
A conclusion entirely of sending Emilia off to the optimum future. But even that may be preferable to a conclusion of being torn to smithereens halfway.
Roswaal: “Using your redo to return before the qualifications were revoked...?”
Subaru: “Looks like you're misunderstanding, it's not that infallible of a power. It's not something you can so freely treat as returns without compensation... and besides, the return point's too late. If I go back, it'll be to after the disqualification. Nothing changes about me being unable to enter the tomb.”
Roswaal: “I, see...”
Roswaal's voice as he replies is weak, and his visage feels to have aged entirely all in one moment. Roswaal had always acted in a way which was young, or more rather that gave no sense of his actual age, but with how his shoulders are now drooped down small, even that atmosphere is gone. This was the human expression of a man who had held a delusional and obstinate belief for a long, long time, suffering as his wishes are fully hindered in a manner he can do nothing about.
This was the first time Subaru had managed to feel that Roswaal was something of a fellow human. But this fact solved nothing, and was likely entirely involuntary on Roswaal's part.
Subaru: “The stalemate's same for both of us, Roswaal. I think we should have a more proper talk, to search for countermeasures.”
Roswaal says nothing.
Subaru: “It might be rough to get the results your gospel tells in it, but it's not like the writ can just be the end of everything. If we just follow the general plot... well you might not agree with that, but if we can come up with a plan for compromise...”
Roswaal: “...Weren't enough.”
Subaru: “—Huh?”
Subaru presents his proposal, using words to prompt Roswaal to concede. But with eyes so hollow he may as well not be hearing Subaru, he murmurs something. Unwittingly giving out a noise, Subaru takes one step forth. Did he just mishear Roswaal?
Roswaal's whispers sneak into Subaru's ear. Roswaal: “—The methods I used for my cornering weren't enough.” Subaru: “What the?” Roswaal: “The details aren't clear, but Echidna going back on decisions means you and her had an exchange befitting that. Fundamentally it's that before those fissures between you and her could form, you steel your resolve, and then the TRIAL... I didn't succeed.”
Subaru: “—” Roswaal: “If I had just cornered you further... if I had just shown you that reaching out here and there for everything would mean losing what's important... then this wouldn't...”
Subaru: “Wait, Roswaal. Wait.” Although sensing that what Roswaal's about to say will be something absolutely conclusive, and that he must hear it, for some reason Subaru hesitates.
Should he wind up hearing those next words, Subaru surely would not be able to keep standing here. Absolute conviction.
Or really, rather, he'd already been having suspicions in this vein. That those quizzical suspicions hadn't taken tangible form was because Subaru's thoughts had frozen on the idea that Roswaal had no reason to do this, and because of the thin but present trust he had in him.
The words Roswaal are about to say will conclusively sever that. Subaru needs to say something before that can happen. But no matter how hard he looks for the words he can't find them, and time flows on.
Roswaal: “Summoning yourself and Emilia-sama to SANCTUARY while aware of Garfiel's disposition.”
Subaru: “—” Roswaal: “Forcing Emilia-sama to challenge the TRIAL while myself knowing how terrifying it is, showing you her wounded, stirring you up...”
Subaru: “Wait, please wait. Wa—” And, Roswaal: “Perfecting you by having you lose those precious to you in a place beyond your reach... everything, all of it, and it still wasn't enough.” —Roswaal confesses that the trigger-puller on the mansion murders was himself.
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