Twilight Upon a Thousand Snow-capped Mountains - Chapter 8.2

Chapter 8 (2)

Until now I was still a tad afraid of Mu Zhen Fei ‘s calmness. Tonight he was too blase about it, but that was how he behaved in the past too, so I wasn’t sure if he already knew about it before.

The improper relationship between Mo Shao Qian and I, was hidden well or so I believed. No one in school knew, but in this world there is no wall that the wind doesn’t pass through. Perhaps I had just been lying to myself all this while. But Mu Zhen Fei was so quiet about it, logically he should stand for his sister right?

Or Mo Shao Qian was simply too reckless, wasn’t he afraid that his brother in law would tell on him, and cause him to argue with his wife. My heart suddenly felt cold, because I thought about how I got to know Mu Zhen Fei. Could he have known from the start about the relationship between Mo Shao Qian and I, and thus threw his handphone at me purposely?

These two unfathomable men struck me with fear.

Mo Shao Qian described it as a stupid thing, I felt dumb myself, to be played in his hands like that.

Mo Shao Qian waved his hands at me, and I hopped to his side like Cutie torn over whether I should continue to reflect on my mistakes, or perhaps sacrifice my body so this issue would pass. I was undecided, like a  rat looking at both ways fervently but he didn’t give me the time to continue pondering, fully utilising the time on me sacrificing my body.

After Mo Shao Qian left, I regained a peaceful school life. Attending lessons, getting off from lessons, having my meals, collecting water, Mu Zhen Fei seemed to have disappeared into thin air as well, I never saw any trace of him after. Initially, Yue Ying seemed bothered by this, I laughed, “You can’t possibly expect him to collect water for me for a year, that was just a joke. In any case, they are about to graduate and probably busy.”

I didn’t find out in detail but during this period, year four students were all completely bogged down, if they didn’t go overseas, they were busy with research if not they were looking for jobs. Even Mu Zhen Fei, a promising man with a bright future was probably doing the same. Thank god the rumours between Mu Zhen Fei and I were finally put to rest, I took the initiative to narrow down my social circle. I also didn’t go along with Yue Ying and Zhao Gao Xing for group dinners anymore to avoid meeting Mu Zhen Fei.

The number of people I had to hide from increased, even I didn’t know exactly how many people I had to hide from, because this relationship could not come to light.

The person I couldn’t hide from was Lin Zi Xian. I didn’t know how she got hold of my number, or perhaps I let it slip the last time we ate lamb at the gathering. Previously I talked too much, whether it was something I should or should not have said. I couldn’t even remember what I said, only recalling that I was lost in my words and spoke too freely. Afraid that if I stopped, something horrible would happen.

The reality was that even if something horrible were to happen, there was no way I could stop it. i dawdled in the dormitory for half a day, changing clothes and combing my hair, only until I could no longer dawdle anymore did I grab my bag and go down the stairs to the meeting with Lin Zi Xian.

Lin Zi Xian asked me to meet her at a coffee shop outside the West Gate. It was called a coffee shop but since the main customers were students, it mainly sold desserts and drinks, at inexpensive prices. I ordered a cup of bubble milk tea, while Lin Zi Xian ordered green tea. The server brought the drinks over and I instinctively picked up my cup, took a sip of the milk tea and subconsciously bit on my straw. To be honest, whenever I got nervous, I had a habit of biting stuff, like cups or straws. Mo Shao Qian tried to correct me many times but I couldn’t wean myself off it. Whenever I got nervous the bad habit would

The waiter served the drink and I instinctively picked it up and drink a sip of milk tea, and started chewing on the straw. To be honest whenever I got nervous, I loved biting stuff, like the drinking cup or straw. Mo Shao Qian corrected me many times but I just couldn’t stop the habit, especially when I got nervous.

It was my first time coming to this place, the shop wasn’t spacious but the music was soothing, very suitable for chatting. Lin Zi Xian said that she would like to speak with me when she called, but I had completely no idea what it was about.

Today’s sun looked good, shining through the glass windows, reflecting upon the glass cup before here, fresh tea leaves floated and sunk, slowly blooming in the water. The warm sunlight early in winter reflected on her face, she seemed as though she didn’t sleep well, as her round almond-shaped eyes swelled slightly. I was looking so intently and she suddenly smiled at me, took out a cigarette box from her bag, confidently drew out a stick and asked, “Do you smoke?”

I was surprised by this action, as I had the impression that she was very lady-like during high school, came from a distinguished family and toed the line, and certainly did not indulge in a bad habit like smoking. I simply shook my head, and she already skillfully lit up the cigarette and said to me,” I picked it up in my first year, and couldn’t quit since.” She paused for a moment and smiled at me, “There are many things you can’t let go off the moment it begins.”

I looked at her through the smoke, she felt far and strange, separated by the faint greenish white fog, her rouge-less face was flawless and clear as always. It made me think back of those times in high school, then we were still sitting in the classroom, every day we soullessly contended with the teacher, contended with exams, with youth on our side. As for now, youthfulness was the sand in our hands, the harder we grasped at it, the sooner it disappeared.

She finally spoke, like always with a light tone, roughly stubbing her cigarette out in the ashtray, “Tong Xue, could you do me a favour?:

I asked, “What’s the matter?”

Under the faint sunlight of winter, her dark eyelashes were like dragonflies flitting about the pond after a summer rain, perched on the reflections of the clouds and light of the sky, completely imperceptible. She said, “Xiao Shan’s granny passed away last week.”

I couldn’t contain my gasp, that benevolent old lady, Xiao Shan had just mentioned that his granny was admitted to hospital the last time and I had wanted to pay her a visit since she had always been so kind to me. But I was timid and dreaded bumping into Xiao Shan, so I eventually did not go.

“You know that his parents are stationed overseas long-term, granny’s death is a huge blow to him. He took three days of condolence leave and should have started attending classes already but he didn’t come back. No one knows where he is. His handphone is off, he didn’t return to the hostel, didn’t go back home, I can’t find him, no one can.”

I muttered, “I haven’t seen him.”

” I know that.” Lin Zi Xian’s deep black eyes stared widely at me, “I have no other ideas, searched all the places I possibly could but I just couldn’t find him. I worried that this can’t be kept under wraps any longer if he continues skipping class. I don’t wish for this incident to affect his future, if you do see him, please try to convince him.” I gazed forlornly at Lin Zi Xian, she was typically proud yet to have to say these words to me, she must have felt completely hopeless.

She couldn’t find him but where could I go to look for Xiao Shan? Ever since he left me, I had never been able to find him.

There weren’t classes in the afternoon so I accompanied Lin Zi Xian to search in a few places, called a few of Xiao Shan’s close friends who were overseas but Xiao Shan hadn’t contacted them either. We even went back to our high school, a place I had never thought that I would return to. Coincidentally classes had just ended and there were quite a number of people playing basketball despite the cold wind. That familiar thumping of the basketball, gave rise to a sense of loss as Lin Zi Xian and I stood by the stadium and watched those young energetic youths.

It was a fruitless trip when we left the school the sky was dark. I was exhausted and hungry while Lin Zi Xian seemed pretty at peace, as though she was used to such disappointment,”Head home first, I keep thinking about where he could possibly be. If you think of anything, give me a call.”

Alone, I took the subway back to school, the moment I stepped out of the station I realised it had already started to snow. The cold wind spun the tiny snowflakes, blowing them across faces like the cut of a knife. Fine crystal snowflakes shone under the bright orange streetlights, like a mess of flowers.

I remembered that when I broke up with Xiao Shan, it was on a dark, freezing evening like this one, the weather dreary as though it was about to snow.

It was when the sky was about to turn black, he had his school uniform on, from afar I could see his tall silhouette in front of the flowerbed. My uncle lived in a olden styled neighbourhood, among the flowerbed there were evergreen trees and as twilight descended, they seemed like slate grey barriers, and he stood in front of this fence. I looked down and stuffed my hands in the pockets, since I had rushed down and forgotten my gloves. My ten fingers were icy cold in my pocket. I didn’t know what he wanted to say, since a few days ago, we had descended into a cold war, I refused to speak to him, likewise, he treated me aloofly. All these tension made me extremely upset. I couldn’t speak of this sadness, as it was trapped between the complexities of my delicate emotions. I thought of my mother, I thought that if I had a home, I would have felt much better. But I didn’t have a home, I only had him and he knew that clearly. Both of us stood for a moment in the twilight, I was fearful that my uncle was on his way back, if uncle and auntie had seen me and a guy standing here, there was no way I would be able to clear my name. So I said, “I have to go back.”

“You’re angry that I agree to work with Lin Zi Xian on the school’s English newsletter?”

His opening words and tone left my heart cold. He completely didn’t understand…I suddenly felt like turning away and leaving–Long ago I had once done a language practice, I forgot what subject it was but it was about a passage in Dream of the Red Chamber, there were four options, one of them was, “This passage talks about the clash of personalities between Bao Yu and Dai Yu, thus resulting in a tragedy of love.”

I ruled that out immediately, and even thought what kind of option is this, simply laughable. How could they have a clash of personalities? Their hearts were as one, the tragedy of love was caused by evil feudal system–who knew that the model answer was their clash of personality, it left me shocked and surprised.

The only one who could cause little sister Lin (Dai Yu) to vomit blood and burn her manuscripts was Bao Yu.

He understood her too well, he didn’t understand her too well.

I forced a calm exterior, “What has you and Lin Zi Xian’s newsletter have to do with me, why should I be angry?”

“If this is not anger, what is it?” His retort drove me to a corner,”Why do you not even have the most basic trust in me?”

I looked at him from afar, his brows furrowed, obviously angry at the fuss I made, that was how he had thought of me. He knew that I was mindful of his relationship with Lin Zi Xian, because I felt panicky, I was scared–too many people perceived them as the perfect match, and I was Cinderella who had accidentally gotten together with the princess, always fearful that the prince would someday fall for a real princess. I suddenly felt dejected, “Whoever you work with on the newsletter, whoever you date, has nothing to do with me.”

He seemed momentarily stunned by my words, after a few seconds, he coldly smiled,”I know what you’re thinking.”

I could not bear with this strange side of him, so stunned that I didn’t hold back my words,”I guess nothing has anything to do with you.” He uncaringly said,”Since it’s like this, let’s break up.”

My heart felt as though it was pierced with a needle, as though I couldn’t hear what he said clearly. In the past, we had fought too, but I never thought–I never expected he would say such words. I pursed my lips and clenched my teeth, to prevent the chattering sound, and gave a nonchalant expression. I once believed that having him was like having the whole world at my feet, but now the whole world had abandoned me. My self respect and instinct returned, I heard my voice clear and piercing, “Let’s break up then.”

He simply turned and left, callously taking big steps and walking away, I watched his silhouette getting further and further away, and felt so cold that I was shivering.

Many times I had dreamt of this very dawn, dreamt of him turning his back. I cried time and time again in my dreams, but never had the courage to chase up to him and pull him back to tell him that I didn’t want a break up.

After time did I come to realise that there’s always that one person in this world who may have only been by your side for a short while, but would take an eternity to forget.