Twilight Upon a Thousand Snow-capped Mountains - Chapter 8.3

Chapter 8 (3)

I walked alone from the subway station back to school with calling for a cab or taking the public bus, walking until I was exhausted. On this road, I kept thinking of Xiao Shan, I hadn’t thought of him like this for a long time now. Every time I would purposely avoid this name, hiding him away in a deep deep place. Too much had caused me to bury the longing I had for him. The moments I had to freely think of him were few and far between, unlike the excesses of tonight.

When I reached the school, the canteen was closed. I dragged my feet, which were cold and numb to small shop outside the West Gate, and order a bowl of knife shaved noodles. Before the noodles arrived, I picked up a pair of disposable chopsticks, rubbing them against each other to remove the splinters. I thought deeply about where Xiao Shan could have possibly gone. Could he have been in some accident, could he have hidden in a place where there was no one else– I had once lost my closest family, I knew that pain could drive one mad. No one could offer comfort, because no one had the same experience I did.

After my parents passed away I laid in bed for several days and nights, not eating or drinking, just thinking about how cruel Dad and Mum were, why didn’t they take me along? How could they bear to leave me alone, to let me go through this pain.

I couldn’t even shed a tear then, just like a living corpse.

The boss served up the hot piping noodles and I suddenly had a realisation– whether it was or not, I had to see for myself. I left the noodles uneaten, placed the money on the table and left.

I knew I was looking for an excuse, I got on the express city line and headed towards the nearby T city, I looked out the window to see the railway tracks flashing by, feeling the emptiness in my tummy, and the emptiness in my mind. Actually I was giving myself an excuse, because he had left me so long ago, no matter whether he was there or not, I had to go and check it out.

It was already early in the morning when I got off the train, I got on a cab and told the driver the address. The city seemed to have just awoken from its slumber, there weren’t many cars on the streets, and the streetlights had yet to be extinguished, shining brightly and lonesomely through the morning fog. I thought of the first and only time that Xiao Shan brought me to T city, it was during the summer vacation in year two. Xiao Shan’s grandparents originally had a old house here, initially his small auntie lived there and afterwards she migrated and it had been left empty since. That day he walked me through all the main streets and small alleys, telling me about his childhood here.

The cab stopped at the entrance of the street and the driver turned on the lights to give me my change, I looked out the window and wondered if that noodle stall was still around. I guess not, this world was constantly changing and evolving changing in the days and nights.

The morning breeze was freezing, I followed the alleyway and walked in, the place was filled with old family homes, with high grey concrete walls on both sides. I almost lost my way, because before I finally found the door to this small community. The guardhouse was lit up but there was no one, the main metal gate was closed but the side gate was open. There was someone who returned in the early morning with a scooter, a wheel was stuck against the threshold, causing a light knocking sound. I followed that person and walked in, thus the guard did not come out to question me.

I didn’t feel grateful, because I was constantly shivering, even my steps were shaky, not sure if it was from the cold or fear.

The oldish homes were arranged block by block, like silent beasts, hiding in the shadows of the early morning. I walked through them but all the homes looked exactly the same. I looked up and only saw the greyish skies of a winter morning. I felt my knees go weak, eventually I rested on the raised flowerbeds. It was surrounded by ceramic tiles and the cold went straight to my bones. From such a distance all the homes looked familiar to me, there were a few that had lights on, there were some elderly jogging in the cold wind…I sat there, exhausted, and knew that there was no way I would be able to find him.

The cold had permeated into my bones, both legs numb from the cold and starting to cramp but I didn’t feel like moving. Before she froze to death, The Little Match Girl must have felt very blissful. If I could freeze to death here, I guess I would feel blessed too. After these few years, I had buried my youth. I thought I had let it go but I still came here like a lunatic.

The corner of the opposite wall was greyish white, the rough concrete had been smoothened out and someone had written “Xu You You loves Zhou Xiao Meng” on it. The handwriting was tilted probably by an ignorant young student. When I was young there were many childish kids who did this too, vandalising hidden corners of walls. Like a prank writing so and so loves so and when love was such a foreign concept to them. They just felt that this word was so mysterious, fuming in anger for days if they saw their names written. Only with understanding did one realise the despondency of this word.

I didn’t know how long I saw there, the weather was too cold, so cold that I almost froze into a statue. Finally when I held up the phone all I could hear were the chattering of my joints. I called Lin Zi Xian and her voice sounded sleepy, I looked at my watch, it was seven in the morning. Even my tongue was frozen and I incoherantly told her, “I think I know where Xiao Shan could be.” She suddenly seemed completely awake, hurriedly questioning me. His small auntie has this place… take down the address.”

I told her the address and she thanked me again and again. Perhaps only if one really loves another would one care about the other’s safety and be so concerned about his happiness. I used the last bit of my strength to hang up and nestled my head between my knees. I didn’t have the courage to face the past and when I finally gathered strength I had no way of finding Xiao Shan.

Only when I got on the train on the ride back did the warm air bring me to my se senses. I was hungry and went to order a bowl of noodles. The chef cooked it quickly. The noodles were served in a large bowl with quite a large portion of soup but the taste was nothing extraordinary. The tables in the cabin dining area were laid with white lace tablecloths, as the train was travelling as high speed, the noodles swooshed in the bowl. As I slowly rubbed the disposable chopsticks together to remove the splinters, I thought of when I had first set off on a train to this city. I knew that the knife shaved noodles along the alleyway were exceptionally delicious. Because Xiao Shan had taken me there once before. I remember it was especially spicy, so spicy that Xiao Shan’s nose tip turned red, and there were beads of perspiration on his forehead.

He secretly told me, “When I was young, here was where I first learnt how to eat noodles with chopsticks.”

I couldn’t help myself from laughing, “Then how did you eat before? With your hands?”

He said, “Of course it was with a fork.”

I still remembered how he smiled then, my reflection shining in his sparkling eyes.

The summer holidays during my second year of high school was the most awesome, because I received a scholarship and almost every day I would find an excuse to go out and spend time with Xiao Shan. We went boating, he taught me how to swim and play squash. There was one day we even sneakily bought train tickets and headed to T city for some fun.

“My little auntie has gone overseas and passed the keys to me, no one else knows about this place.” Sometimes I could hide here alone, because when I was young, granny and grandpa lived in T city, and I spent the most time here. It was the summer holidays then and I was sent back here. The olden communities were lively and there were many kids my age, everyone played games together and I felt that spending my holidays here was the happiest thing that happened to me. He smiled somewhat shyly, “They called me a little foreigner, because when I just came back I didn’t speak Mandarin very well, I wasn’t as fluent as in English. And I didn’t know how to use chopsticks to eat noodles.”Xiao Shan always used his left hand to hold his chopsticks, same as when he used a knife, I always teased him for being a left hander. At that time he was chopping tomatoes in the kitchen, without even lifting his head, “What’s the deal with being a left hander? Well a left hander is better than someone who doesn’t cook.”

I bit my tongue and didn’t dare to provoke him further. It was rare that we had time on hands and there was no one around to stop us from going on a rampage in this well-equipped old house. I joyfully suggested to cook, and insisted on going grocery shopping. Who knew that the summer in T city was extremely warm, and it was in the afternoon then, with the sun shining mercilessly, after walking barely a few steps from the supermarket, I was drenched in sweat. There was a stall selling cold drinks, Xiao Shan bought me a  popsicle, “Try this, I loved eating this when I was young, and I think it’s way nicer than any other ice cream.”

As I sucked on the popsicle, I followed him all the way back. I felt like a little kid, brought around by this adult, without a care in the world. This was a strange yet peaceful feeling.

When we returned to the old house, we were both perspiring badly, we faced the noisy air-conditioning for quite a while, before getting our energy back.

Xiao Shan asked me, “What dishes can you cook?”

Without even blinking I told him, “Egg fried rice.”

In the end Xiao Shan had to showcase his skills, even though they were nothing to boast about. Both of us were a mess in the kitchen, I insisted that the tomatoes and egg had to go into the pan at the same time but Xiao Shan said that the tomatoes had to be fried first. The pan heated up and after seeing him put in the tomatoes, I deftly poured in the egg.

The pan was extremely hot and bits of the egg flew onto my hand, it was so painful that I let out a shout, Xiao Shan grabbed my hand and put it under the running tap, while asking,”Which part is burnt?”

The cool tap water gushed past the back of my hand, the burnt area felt numb. Xiao Shan arm was still placed around my waist, his arm was really warm, his palms were burning hot, against the thin fabric of my skirt. I only felt that his hand seared like an iron, and the heat made me panic. I felt awkward and said, embarrassed, “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

It was extremely warm in the kitchen, the cooker hood was still making grumbling sounds. On this summer afternoon, a descent into silence, even the sound from the television in the living room seemed to be far away in another world. Upstairs and downstairs seemed liked a lonely ghost town, my heartbeat was so fast, and his head slowly tilted downwards, he was much taller than me, at such a close distance, his eyelashes looked really long and thick, and those lashes were coming towards me, I was shocked into stillness. When our lips met, I only felt that I was like a frying pan, almost burning up in flames.

All the moisture seemed to evaporate away from my body, when his lips finally left mine, my face must have been red like a tomato. He wasn’t doing much better, even his neck was red, my mind felt giddy as though I had a stroke, and couldn’t catch my breath.

“Breathe!” His voice was very deep, as though muttering to himself, to think I had actually forgotten to breathe, only when he reminded me did I take a deep breath. I roughly pushed him,”What are you doing?”

I didn’t know why I was so fierce, actually I felt more embarrassed. His face was red, hand still grabbing my waist, as though he didn’t know whether to let go or not. There were splashing sounds from the heated oil and I pushed Xiao Shan away and picked up the spatula, fortunately it hadn’t clumped up, I started stir frying the egg and tomatoes, my mind still a blur. And he seemed like a child that had made a mistake, standing aside, not making a sound. I switched off the stove and tried my best to act nonchalant, “Where’s the plate?”

Afterwards when the tomato fried egg was placed on the dining table, only after Xiao Shan picked up a piece with his chopstick did I realise that salt hadn’t been added. But that huge plate was completely wiped clean by Xiao Shan and me.

The first kiss during the teenage years, was like the sour-sweet taste of a fried egg with tomato, even without any seasoning, the best feeling in the world.