Interlude 6
Another night that I can't get drunk.
Even if my throat tells me that the wine is hot, the warmth never seemed to drench my heart.
Ever since that day, never once had I feel uplifted whenever I hold up the wineglass, only feelings of hate looms within me.
As I swallowed up what remains of my fifth glass of wine, I reached out to the wine bottle considering another drink, but my hand stopped midair as I was about to hold onto the bottleneck.
The four-person table felt unusually broad, no matter what kinds of wine I chosen, no matter how many glasses I drank, no matter who I called over for company, neither of those seem to fill in this emptiness within.
On my palm lies a book that I read halfway through, I tried opening it, but neither once had I managed to flip across the current page, and neither once had the bookmark left its original position, even if I'm aware of how the story shall unfold at the end, I continued searching for the true ending it deserves, which is why the story shall continue without reaching a conclusion.
The one correct ending that has no lies in it will probably never arrive, but if someone could at least prove the very existence of this possibility, I will probably feel satisfied with it.
I let my thoughts flow into the already empty glass, and drank it all up along the seemingly empty air. As my line of view passed through the curved surface of the glass, projecting itself onto the empty seat in front of me, a beauty smiled wickedly through the glass, as if she's making fun of herself.
The woman on the glass surface suddenly fades, to be replaced by the figure of another person, as I took a better look, its the girl that should have went back some time ago. Did she ran all her way here? I wondered upon seeing her shoulders moving up and down.
"Had you forgotten something?"
I handed her a woolen blanket, signaling her to have a seat, she then obediently sat on her original position. As I held up my cheeks, wondering what important matter made her turn back, she gripped firmly onto her skirt and the blanked underneath her knees, she then said with a seemingly confused tone:
"I...I still believe that what you said just now was wrong...the co-dependency you told us of."
I rolled my eyes upon hearing those words, did she seriously came all the way back here to talk to me about this? I took me a while for me to have a clear image of the situation.
I see, so she was here today in order to protect him from me. Instead of viewing it as her being possessive, to describe it as her being protective would sound much accurate.
As much as I wanted to praise her in a much straightforward way, now that she has the guts to challenge me directly, it seems that I have no other choice but to accept it. While I do not prefer to put the blame onto my genetics, it is true that my annoying side is similar to that of my mother.
To be honest, I don't really intend to say such things to her. Its troublesome, and I don't have that much leisure time to be wasted on her. I can't really get myself to do such a thing either, as getting hated by such a cute girl is not the most pleasant thing to do even for myself.
But compared to that, my refusal to leave a mistake uncorrected is much stronger.
As my frustration continues to grow, I poured every the remaining wine into the glass.
Interlude 6-2
The contents within the wineglass turmoils like waves of scarlet blood, small bubbles among those waves leaped up and down like my heart right now. After I scurried back from the train station to here, words proceeded to gush out from me along with my gasping breath.
'That's how I see it, the codependency relationship the three of you have.'
'Codependency', a word that I was never aware of before, and a word that I couldn't understand at all. That's how I've always been, my inability to comprehend such complex ideas, and my ability to act as if I couldn't understand it. Even if there are times that I truly failed to get it.
But that term that she said, a term so simple to the point that I can't pretend to not understand it, a term so simple that I can only understand it.
"Does that applies to me......too?"
My heart that should've calmed down by now started beating rapidly again. Even though the answer was never something that I've never pleaded for, never awaited for, yet here I am, seeking desperately for answers.
She started t laugh...then displayed a very concerning expression.
"Isn't it so? After all, Hikigaya relies on Gahama chan a lot too. In fact Gahama chan, you enjoyed all the attention he gave, to the point that you're willing to do anything for him......you know, you're sicker than what you think, Gahama chan."
"No...that's not how it is."
My lips are trembling as I spouted those discontinuous words, shaking my head. No, this is wrong, something feels really wrong in her statement...
"Now that they already become the way they are. So Gahama chan, you have to grow up and get over it."
She seemed to have said something else with that gentle voice, but I can't hear it anymore.
"Wanting to do something for his sake...shouldn't this be natural? Seeing him looking depressed, of course I would want to get his spirits up, of course I want to stay beside them. So, that's not it..."
Its frustrating, frustrating to the point I glared at someone out of rage for the first time. The moist air within my lungs burst out along my words, leaving my throat completely dried out. Holding the ends of my skirt so strong to the point I could feel my nails driving through the cloth, and into my flesh, I continued staring at her, refusing to avert my line of sight.
She simply gazed at all of these with her mature expression, and then closed her eyes all of a sudden. Then said in a voice so low, that it felt like she is praying:
"And can you......call that thing as something genuine?"
"I don't know."
I have always been trying to figure it out ever since that day, what did he meant by something genuine. But in the end, I still don't get it, my voice started to sound unsettling, with my eyes blurred by tears, and looked down onto the floor before I knew it.
"But that thing, those feelings, they're definitely not codependency, nothing similar to it."
Looking back up, she continued gazing with the same expression, opened her mouth for a second, just to look away without speaking.
A piercing sensation begins to fill up my chest, the tears that seemed to have dried out started dripping again.
"Otherwise, it wouldn't feel so painful...this thing that feels... so painful..."
The pain on my chest, the pain within my heart, the pain that follows me everywhere.
Everything within me, as if they're in vain, lamented and screamed my love for you, over and over again.
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