Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku o! - Volume 8 - Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

May There Be a Legend for This Beginner Town! 

1 

“All right, Aqua, tell me what’s going on here!” 

At the Axis Church on the outskirts of town. 

I’d heard that festival preparations for tonight were being done there, so I ran over to find Aqua enjoying a drink with Cecily, and I lit into her. 

“Oh, Kazuma, what’s got you so worked up?” Aqua had a wineglass in her hand, and on her knee sat her chick, which she was petting like she was the villain in some movie. 

Beside her was Cecily, who was acting like a maid serving her mistress. 

“Ha-haaa, you can smell a party from a mile away, can’t you, Kazuma? Well, I won’t argue if you want to join us. You may not be an Axis follower, but you have worked really hard for this festival. Come on—sit here beside me. I’ll share some of my fresh-made yakisoba with you.” She pushed a dish toward me, carefree as anything. 

“You idiot!” I said. “This isn’t the time to be eating yakisoba! What the hell is going on here?!” 

I thrust out the application request Darkness had given me. 

“Oh, hey, that’s the application I submitted. ‘One: We request that starting next year, the name of the festival be changed to the Aqua Appreciation Festival and the Eris Church be barred from participation. Two: We request that the laws regarding gelatinous slime be relaxed…’ Hey, I don’t remember writing this second thing.” 

“I wrote that, Lady Aqua!” Cecily said. “I worked so hard for this festival that I thought maybe I could get a reward!” 

“I see. That sounds good. So what seems to be the problem?” 

“It is not good! And it’s all problems! I’m asking what exactly this is!” 

While I stood there enraged, Aqua had a whispered conference with Cecily beside her. 

“Huh, I wonder what Kazuma is so upset about. Is it because he wasn’t invited to our victory celebration?” 

“I don’t think so, milady. It’s because we didn’t ask him what he wanted when we submitted our requests.” 

Aqua listened carefully to what Cecily was saying, then scribbled something on the application and handed it back to me. 

Three: We request that hereafter, all salesgirls at the festival shall wear swimsuits. 

“What are you, stupid?! That’s not what I’m upset about! And after all that talk about not getting carried away and honestly trying your best! Then you go and pull a stunt like this?!” 

“Waaaaah!! What are you doing? I added your request to the list!” 

I was tearing up the application when Cecily got in between Aqua and me. “Now just a minute. What do you mean by letting Our Lady’s compassion go to waste? I, Cecily, humbly declare in the name of the Axis Church that I will shove my way through your front door every night, endlessly singing Axis hymns!” 

“I’d like to see you try! You’ve taken everyone for fools! I oughta knock some sense into both of you!” 

“Wh-what? How can you say that after we worked so hard? Surely we’re entitled to a little relaxation! Cecily said it! She said, ‘Lady Aqua, you are Our Lady, and you deserve to live your life at the height of comfort while everybody fawns over you. I’m going to devote the full power of the Axis Church to making life easy for you from now on’!” 

“You just met her the other day, and she’s already got that kind of control over you? Come on—we’re going home! I don’t want you seeing this weirdo anymore! And you, don’t make Aqua any more worthless than she already is!” 

“‘This weirdo’?!” 

Aqua slipped out of my grasp and hid behind Cecily, who was still frozen in shock. 

“I’m not going home until after the festival,” Aqua said. “In fact, I’m not going home at all! …Being so smart, I’ve learned something. I’ve learned that here, they worship me! And by the way, Kazuma, now that we’ve made this festival such a huge success, there’s no way they’ll want to go without an Aqua Appreciation Festival next year. Just you go have a look at Eris’s precious festival! Our booths get more and more visitors by the day, but who goes to their booths? Crickets, that’s who!” 

Here I had been thinking that for once, things might actually turn out well, but now I found out that Aqua hadn’t changed a bit. She had been acting so different lately that I’d wondered if she had eaten something strange, but deep down, she was still the same. 

I wanted to take back how impressed I had been at her growth and maturity, and at the same time, I was a little disgusted with myself to discover I was actually kind of relieved to know that the status quo remained intact. 

Cecily proudly picked up the theme. “Lady Aqua is right. With our shops as popular as they are, the Eris Church can’t hope to come back. And…don’t think you’re the only one with a flair for business. Our Lady Aqua still has a secret plan up her sleeve!” 

A secret plan? There had to be something fishy there; I was sure of it. 

2 

I wandered around town, the Axis Church building safely behind me, brainstorming a fitting punishment for those girls. 

Aqua and her church were getting ornery because they thought they had made the festival a success all by themselves. So maybe I should ally myself with the Eris followers and come up with some new shop ideas? 

…Nah. I was all out of million-dollar ideas, and I would have my hands full with even just one or two new shops. 

Well, I’ve got no choice. Maybe I should poke my head in at the Eris Church. 

When I got there, I found… 

“Ah, Lowly Assistant, how’d it go?” 

…Chris, sweeping the area in front of the church with a broom. By the tone of her voice, she was well aware of how I had burst into the Axis Church practically foaming at the mouth. 

“It didn’t,” I said. “I couldn’t even talk with them… They just don’t learn unless they get burned… What should I do? This is really my fault for even getting Aqua and her friends’ permission to be part of the festival in the first place. I want to give those idiots something to think about before this situation is too far gone to salvage.” 

I was more than half-serious, but Chris shook her head. “At least my senior did make the festival more exciting, and for that, I’m genuinely grateful to her. I mean, look at me. Not only did I fail to steal Aigis, but now I don’t even know where he is. You’d think someone would notice a walking, talking suit of armor. Maybe I’m the only one to blame if they stop holding my festival. I would be sad, sure, but I guess my senior could throw an even bigger party next year!” She laughed unconvincingly. Her smile was laced with a sadness that made my heart ache. 

My chief didn’t have a strong endgame, which tended to get her in trouble, but she was also a perfect goddess beloved by all and someone who could get anything done. 

She was my ideal woman and a precious friend with whom I could talk about anything, from my improving situations with Megumin and Darkness to my memories of Japan. 

And she and I shared secrets, even more than me and Aqua, my fellow migrant from Earth. 

She spent all her time doing her goddess work alone in that white room. And when she was a thief, she was by herself, too. 

She was my dear friend, my slightly unreliable chief. 

And she was the woman I was infatuated with, my hard-working goddess. 

“I guess I cause you a lot of trouble, Lowly Assistant. Dragging you off to look for Sacred Treasures or leaving you to keep my senior from going crazy with things.” The sweeps of the broom became listless. “I’ve got to thank you, Lowly Assistant. You’re the only one who knows my true identity and about the different things I do. It’s not like I’m asking anyone to give me a prize for secretly helping to resist the Demon King’s army, but… But thanks to you, I feel like I’ve gotten a little bit of a reward.” 

Then the face of the goddess Eris broke into a gentle smile. 

…… 

“Chief…I mean, Lady Eris. I’d like to ask for the cooperation of the people of the Eris Church in something.” 

Chris looked confused. 

I repeated the line I’d delivered to the committee several times already. 

“I’ve got an idea.” 

3 

It was the last day of the festival. 

Despite the heat, lots and lots of people attended. 

“Hello, dear attendees. It is my pleasure and my honor to have been chosen as MC on this occasion…” 

We were at Axel’s big public square. Located right in the center of town, it was now home to a stage on which a man in a tuxedo spoke into a magical item that acted like a microphone. 

“Welcome to the festival’s main event, hosted by the Eris Church! The very first Miss Eris Contest! Let the fun begin!” 

A huge cheer went up from the audience gathered in front of the stage. 

This was my secret plan to solve everything. 

Namely, for the Eris Church to sponsor a Miss Such-and-Such pageant. 

“Hey, Lowly Assistant. I really just don’t know what to say right now.” Chris sounded maybe a touch exasperated. 

“Just sit back and enjoy the show, Chief,” I said lightly. 

I was at least confident that this would liven things up. But at the same time, I was well aware that Eris’s often-serious followers might not be thrilled to see their goddess used as an excuse for a beauty pageant. 

Right now, though, things were different. If the Eris followers continued to come up short, they might not get another festival to celebrate their beloved goddess. I explained that fact to various Eris followers, starting with Darkness, and ultimately, they went along with my plan. 

“I admit, I never expected to have to argue so hard with Darkness,” Chris said. 

“Just goes to show how much she adores Lady Eris, I guess,” I replied. 

There had been a lengthy debate with Darkness, in which she said that a beauty contest like this one was blasphemy against Lady Eris, and I countered that it was both to restore the authority of the Eris Church and to help us get the Sacred Treasure back. Eris, I argued, would be willing to wink at a little blasphemy for all that benefit—and somehow, Darkness caved. 

Chris fidgeted and scratched her cheek, a little embarrassed. “I don’t really care if you use my name, honestly…” 

“Well, tell Darkness that. Right up to this morning, she was insisting she wouldn’t come here.” 

Chris and I were in the back, in a place from which we could see the stage and the entire square. We wanted to be in position to catch Aigis the moment he appeared. 

Saving the Eris Church wasn’t the only reason I had come up with this plan. 

The entire contest was bait. 

There was a very important Sacred Treasure wandering around town who might leave on some kind of journey at any moment. The quickest way to get that item back would be to get together women who Aigis would be interested in. 

And I had requested Darkness to help lay the trap… 

“…Hey, do you think the real reason Darkness was so opposed to this contest wasn’t the permission at all but—?” 

Chris was trying to say something, but I honestly didn’t have time for it. I had rented a magical camera just for this day and even made sure to have a telephoto lens available. 

I’m sure I don’t have to explain why. 

I aimed my camera at the stage. It was lined with all the girls in town who were most confident in their looks, all of them wreathed in smiles. 

“Well, starting with our first contestant, then… Please tell us your name and age, as well as your job!” 

4 

I had gotten Chris, Darkness, and the entire Eris Church involved in this gala event, but I had to wonder if Aigis would fall for such an obvious trap. 

I was hoping to kill all my birds with one stone, but… 

…Dammit, this is really getting to me. I’m sure it’ll be fine. 

That armor wasn’t hard to predict, after all. I hated to admit it, but in some ways, he and I were alike. 

I scanned the area, while also stealing glances at the beautiful women who passed one after another across the stage. 

Chris had said she thought it was going to be a long day and gone to get something to drink. But I could still see her as I glanced around. 

I was sure I would notice a big, shiny suit of armor the moment he appeared. 

“Hmm,” I muttered, watching one slender beauty. “Personally, she’s a bit too thin for my taste, but I do like that face.” 

<You think so? I think she’s the prickly type. But you’ve got to admire that look. She sure knows how to wear the hell outta that outfit.> 

“I admit she looks like a bit of a hen, but I think that’s fitting for a thin girl. As far as knowing how to dress, though… Hmm. I really should have included a swimsuit portion in the judging.” 

<How could you ever have left out something so important? What are you, stupid?!> 

……… 

“Gotcha!” 

<Whoa! Hey, what are you doing?! This is a big deal; keep out of the way!> 

I agreed about the importance of the event, but capturing this guy was sort of the whole point. 

I flung the net I’d prepared at Aigis, who had wandered up. 

I caught him with his guard down, which meant I also caught him in my net. 

“I knew you were stupid enough for this to work! This was all a trap to draw you out!” 

<S-say what?! You’re sharper than you look, kid. I thought you were just a petty thief, but I guess I was wrong!> 

Had Chris and I really had all that trouble catching this guy? 

I wanted all my effort back. 

“Why’d you show up so soon anyway?! The contest hasn’t been going for five minutes, and we’ve already caught you! Apologize to Chris! She went to buy drinks thinking we were going to be here awhile!” 

<Uh, d’you think you could keep it down? I can’t hear what they’re saying about that girl. Listen, the MC is asking her what you have to eat to get a bust that big.> 

“…Right, we’ll come back to this after we hear the interview. We’re gonna stay like this, though, where I have the advantage.” 

<Yeah, sure. After she leaves the stage, it’s on.> 

I waited for the moment to come, trying my best not to take my eyes off Aigis. The people around us didn’t seem to have paid much attention to the commotion; they were focused on the stage. 

At last they finished introducing the girl, and she walked off. 

“All right, here we go again! We got in an awful lot of trouble because of you, so come quietly if you know what’s good for you!” 

<Yeah? Go ahead and try it, kid! They didn’t give me an awesome name like Mr. Sacred Armor Aigis for no reason. My master and I cut down a zillion monsters back in the day!> 

We were back to yelling at each other, each attempting to seize the initiative, when we heard the MC: 

“Excellent, thank you very much. That was our sweet Sonia! Ah, now there’s a bust! But this isn’t over! The competition for Best of the Chest isn’t settled yet!! Let’s have a big round of applause!” 

Aigis and I both looked at the stage even as we clawed at the net. 

The next girl to show up was another striking specimen. How striking? She could have held her head high beside Wiz or Darkness…! 

<…Hey, you think we could shelve this again until after this girl’s turn?> 

“…Of course. We’ll finish this later.” 

<’Ppreciate it. Hey, are you sure you don’t want to take some photos? Don’t worry; I won’t run away or anything.> 

“………Yeah, I guess you’re right. There are all these people here—if a sentient suit of armor were to run away, it would be easy just to ask someone where you went. I won’t be able to hold this position forever anyway.” 

I took my hands off the net and once more pointed my camera toward the stage. 

<Hey! Look at that! That’s gotta be against the rules! How could you not have required a swimsuit competition?!> 

“It wasn’t my choice; I had my own problems! My friend said she absolutely wouldn’t participate if there was a swimsuit portion! Argh, dammit! I do regret it a little bit; maybe I should have stuck to my guns…” 

Aigis and I craned our necks, trying our best to see from the nosebleed seats— 

<—Whoa, whoa, whoa! That girl looks really vulnerable like that! I mean, not that I object to a swimsuit in summer!> 

“Oh, that’s a salesgirl. I had this idea to have all the salesgirls around here dress in swimsuits. We called it an anti-heatstroke measure. And you can splash them with water to cool them off with no problem.” 

<That’s genius. No one can object to an anti-heatstroke measure. You wouldn’t want to put the girls in danger. Ooh, I’m not sure about this next one. She’s got cute clothes, but the outfit and the makeup are only there to fool you.> 

“A natural look is the way to go. Laying on the makeup like that is wrong, wrong, wrong. If I were on the judging panel, I would definitely take off points for too much makeup.” 

Even as I complained, I clicked the shutter several times. 

“Now for our next contestant! You all know her as the Sorry Shopkeeper, the Bride of Bad Luck! Just when her store looked like it would be a success, it turned out to be her imagination! She’s here in hopes that the prize money will help her make rent this month! Say hello to the owner of Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe!” 

“Yeaaaaah! It’s Wiz! Wiz is here! Aww yeah, I always knew Wiz looked best in an apron!” 

<Man, I wanna get with a high-level lady like that! She looks so cozy and huggable! I want her inside me! But wizards only like cloth, huh? I guess our callings in life don’t match up. Damn! Maybe we could get her to change jobs to something that sees more action on the front lines!!> 

Aigis and I were getting awfully excited at Wiz’s unexpected appearance. The energy in the crowd was practically electric, and I pitied whoever had to follow Wiz… 

“Our next contestants are…oh-ho, some succubus cosplayers! It takes a lot of guts, showing up to an Eris contest dressed like that, but…these…ladies…” 

The MC started strong but gradually got quieter and quieter, until he trailed off entirely. 

I could see why. 

<Whoooooooooooa! What’s going on here? Three high-level ladies! The older one to the right and the loli kid on the left, they’re great, but—what’s with that hottie in the middle?! I’ve never seen anyone like her! A devil! A devil girl! She’s not just devilishly attractive—she’s a straight-up devil girl!> 

Aigis was so noisy you would think I had smashed him to pieces, but the rest of the crowd had fallen eerily silent. 

Three succubi stood on the stage. 

In fact, I recognized the ones to the left and right. They were employees of the shop I loved. 

The one in the middle, though, the unparalleled beauty—I was a regular, but even I didn’t recognize her. 

I was going to have to ask for her services the next time I was in. 

The succubus in the middle plucked the microphone from the hand of the frozen MC. 

“Well, everyone,” she said, “you must be getting bored with these contestants… As your scandalous new host, I’ll be getting rid of the last few shreds of these skimpy clothes and ushering you all into a world of sensual delight…!” 

Her voice was so alluring that just listening to it sent chills down my spine. And then she put a hand to her clothing. 

Succubus costumes were already sexy enough, but now every single eye in the square was focused on her. 

No one made so much as a peep but only swallowed heavily and watched, clinging to a fervent hope. 

Was she really going to take it off in front of this entire crowd?! 

Was she serious?! 

Had the buzz of the festival caught up with these erotic monsters? Were they going to show us their true forms?! 

<C-camera! Get the camera! Come on—pay attention!> 

“Oh crap, yeah! That was a close one…! I guess that’s an experienced succubus for you; she sure knows how to please!” 

As I got the camera ready to take the shot of my life, the beauty in front of us moved to take off her clothing…! 

“And I shed beautifully! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, did you take me for a passing succubus queen? Sorry! It was me, the part-timer at Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe, all along! Ah, the animosity of an entire public square full of people is an exquisite and unique flavor! I’m also currently offering consultations at Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe! If you have any troubles, I’ll be there to lend an ear!” 

……… 

“Please don’t throw things! I understand your feelings, honored audience, but please don’t throw things at me!” 

Vanir and the two succubi walked away, leaving the MC to suffer the hail of garbage flung by the crowd. 

Some of it contributed by Aigis and myself, naturally. 

When the commotion finally died down, the MC collected himself and made a broad gesture toward the edge of the stage. 

“O-okay, our next contestant is one of our top candidates today. I don’t think there’s a soul in this town who doesn’t know her! Part adventurer, part reigning queen of the Endurance Championship. And now…here to participate in the Miss Eris Contest, scion of the noble Dustiness family, Lady Lalatina Ford Dustiness!” 

Yesss! Now we’re talking! 

Although it was pretty much irrelevant, since Aigis was already here, I had asked Darkness, who ranked highly in the looks department if nothing else, to be our bait for the armor. I had hoped to ask Megumin, too, but sadly, she was still in prison. 

When Darkness showed up, Aigis went wild. <Whoo! Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Pretty face, great body, and a noble?! Sign me up!> 

Darkness, maybe with an eye toward the contest, had dressed like a noblewoman going out while trying to beat the heat. She had on the pure-white dress she sometimes wore around the house, but she was also wearing a touch of makeup, and she had braided her hair, then topped it all off with a wide-brimmed hat. 

She was looking at the ground, using the hat to hide her face, which had turned red with all the attention from the crowd. 

“You’d better believe it, buddy. That’s my party member. I told her we would need some serious bait to catch you, and that’s how I got her to be a part of this.” 

<Seriously?! Aww, man, you’re so lucky! Hey, I want her to be my master! I swear, nary a scratch would sully that hot, hot bod!> 

Heck, not only had I caught him, I’d brought him around. 

“But she’s a Crusader, you know? Ever present on the front lines, her whole job is to soak up enemy attacks. Weren’t you saying that even armor feels pain? Plus, maybe you can’t tell because she’s wearing clothes, but that girl is ripped.” 

<Is she? Well, but that’s… But a Crusader… Shoot! Why’d she have to be a Crusader…? Man, but she’s really my type in the looks department. I wonder if there’s a chance anyone better will come along…?> 

I sympathized with Aigis’s disappointment. True, in looks, at least—face and overall sexiness—Darkness was a ten out of ten. 

If only she’d had a personality to match. She was a surprising amount of trouble. 

What a waste… 

“Let’s keep watching; there are other contestants still.” 

<Yeah, no need to jump to any conclusions before I’ve seen everyone. Ooh, the interview is starting!> 

“Now, then! I think most people here are familiar with you, but kindly tell us your name, age, and job!” 

“…I’m Lalatina Ford Dustiness… I’m eighteen years old, and I’m currently acting governor…” 

Darkness must have been really nervous, because her voice was practically a whisper even through the microphone. I was pretty far away, and I could still tell how tense she looked. 

It was then that one of the adventurers in the crowd shouted: “Lalatiiina! Speak up so we can heeear youuu!” 

This inspired several more hecklers. 

“Young Lady, you look lovely as ever today!” 

“What happened to your armor? Not that you don’t look wonderful like that, Lalatina!” 

I wasn’t the only one who had a reputation around these parts; Darkness had become pretty well-known, too. A few drunken adventurers who recognized her had decided to poke some fun. 

Seeing Darkness blushing bright red and ready to cry, I couldn’t resist the urge to torment her a little bit. 

“Way to go, Lalatina!” I cried. “How about you show us those famous abs of yours?!” 

<I thought you said she was your party member?> 

“And you think that means I ought to encourage her or something, dumbass? Look at her glare at the audience, all blushy and teary. You ever seen someone look that excited? She’s gonna win for sure.” 

<I get it. You sure know how to play the game. All right, I’ll help you! Nice work, lady; show us some skin!> 

Now Aigis got in on the act, and it fanned the flames among the other adventurers. 

“He’s right, just a bit!” 

“Don’t you have a swimsuit or something?!” 

“Lift up your skirt, milady!” 

The shouts from the audience were escalating quickly. Darkness, normally useless, was getting the same level of attention as a Japanese pop idol. I was thrilled about that, so I shouted as loudly as I could: “Take it ooofffff!” 

That caused Darkness to immediately fix me with a death stare. 

Whoops. She found me. 

“Yeah, take it off!” 

“Do it, Darkness!” 

“Strip! Tease! Strip! Tease!” 

<Strip! Tease! Strip! Tease!> 

At that moment, the entire square was united with one heart, and everyone raised their voices in a single beautiful chant…! 

“And just what are you up to?” 

The chill in Chris’s voice was like ice-cold water raining down on Aigis and me. 

5 

“Argh, I can’t believe you two. Bullying my friend like that.” 

“You’ve got it all wrong—when I saw Darkness getting that big cheer, I just wanted to give her a boost, like a top idol…” 

“A top idol who was being bullied into doing a striptease? …And, Aigis, look at you… You’re supposed to be one of the best Sacred Treasures…” 

Somewhere out beyond the back of the crowd, Aigis and I were bowing repeatedly to Chris, who was looking pitiful with tears in her eyes. 

I finally gave a deep sigh and said to her, “But hey, at least we captured this guy, like we planned all along. And the Eris Church got a big, popular event going. All good, right?” 

“It’s nowhere near good! Just look at this!” 

The audience seating area was currently filled with shouting and arguing. 

Darkness, finally broken by the calls to strip, had jumped into the audience and begun attacking adventurers. They fought back as hard as they could, but in a fistfight, Darkness had the overwhelming advantage. 

…Actually, maybe I should have been sending her into battle with monsters barehanded. 

<This has gotten fun. That’s one strong lady! Beautiful women and fistfights are the flowers of any festival. I can feel the blood dancing in my veins! Burn hot, my passion! Shine bright, my body! Okay, I’m getting in there!> 

“Please stay out of any more trouble! Aww, Aigis, please—I need at least one of you to act like an adult… When the Demon King is safely defeated, I’ll use my authority as goddess to grant the wish not just of the hero who defeated him but yours as well…” 

Chris put a hand to her forehead, letting out a breath at the sight of Aigis, who was all excited about jumping into the fray. 

Aigis only shrugged. <Is she still talking about being a goddess? Listen to me, sweetheart. I know goddesses. I mean literally, I’ve met one. In fact, it was a goddess who gave me to a certain young woman. So I can tell you firsthand: Goddesses are bad news.> 

“Say what?!” 

He wasn’t wrong. In my mind, I pictured the person who had probably sent him here, who at that very moment was busy being bad news with her precious church. 

“You! You!! Oh, now I’m angry! I’m going to seal you at the bottom of a lake until I find an owner for you! Lucky for you, it’s the same place I’ve put the other Sacred Treasures, so you can get to know them while you wait!” 

<A punch like that might as well be sticks and stones, sweetheart! I’m a Sacred Treasure, remember? Ha, but feel free to give it another shot, missy!> 

“Hrrrgh!” 

Chris launched another painful-looking punch at Aigis; I took a quick glance around. Everyone else was still busy watching Darkness tear up the spectator seating. Admittedly, this wasn’t what I had been expecting when I planned this event, but it was definitely exciting. 

What about our original objectives, though? 

Chris’s and my goal had been to draw out Aigis. 

The other idea, however, had been to help the Eris Church claw back some of their clout in the festival, and as far as that went… 

…we had, regrettably, made zero progress toward that goal. 

“Ah, it’s good to laugh. What else was going to happen with a beauty contest here? All the gorgeous women in this town have something wrong with them. Anyone could have seen this coming. Given it was run by that uptight Eris Church, it turned out to be some good fun, don’t you think?” 

The voice was that of an audience member in front of us. 

“Yes, well, I suppose so. But I’m thinking maybe the Axis Church can handle this festival alone next year. They may all be morons, but they sure know how to throw a party.” 

“You’ve got that right—fools and idiots, every one of ’em, but they’re always a good time! Stupid, though!” 

Other voices chimed in nearby, and several audience members seemed ready to go home. Maybe they felt they had seen most of the good-looking girls in town by this point. 

Chris stopped pounding on Aigis. 

“I know how hard the Eris Church works, but if we’re only going to have one festival a year, I think it’s better to make it a flashy one.” 

“You’re absolutely right. Did you know they’re arguing that it should be just the Aqua Appreciation Festival starting next year? They’ve even got a petition going.” 

“Huh! It sounds like there’s even more stupidity going on at the Axis booths today. Looks like things are over here; want to go check it out?” 

And then… 

“Ah… Ah-ha-ha. My children try so hard, but it looks like it’s game over. I guess we really will lose the festival next year.” Despite how obviously sad she was, Chris tried to smile, as if to spare me from worrying about her. “It’s just as well. I never really had time to enjoy this festival. While we’re here celebrating, there are people being tormented by monsters… And that’s why I need every Sacred Treasure I can get my hands on.” 

And then Chris, who had done everything to this point as quietly as she could so as not to be noticed by anyone, turned to face Aigis. She was acting as casual as anything. 

“Come on, Aigis, please? Won’t you go along with me?” 

<Uh… I’m touched, really, but don’t expect me to go along with you just because you made some puppy-dog eyes at me!> 

……… 

“Hey, Aigis,” I offered. “If I were to introduce you to a super-gorgeous woman, would you do what Chris asked?” 

He replied, <Huh? Super-gorgeous…? Hey, you think I can’t see through you? You’re talking about that masked guy from earlier! You’re going to get him to change into a beautiful woman and then try to foist him off on me! Well, canny old Aigis won’t fall for—> 

I ignored the chatty armor, turning to look at Chris and bowing my head. “Chief. Er, no—let me call you Lady Eris just this once. I’ve got a little…okay, a really big favor to ask.” 

Chris quailed at my gesture of respect, but… 

<Wha—? I thought her name was Chris. What are you doing, calling her Lady Eris? Don’t tell me you’re one of these crazy— Ha-haaa, touch of heatstroke? Has the temperature gotten to you? And here you were the one bragging about anti-heatstroke measures. I do need to thank you for giving me something nice to look at. I’ll go get a doctor—> 

“It’s all right, Lowly Assistant… I mean, Kazuma. I will hear you. If it’s within my power, simply ask.” And then Chris looked me right in the eye. 

<Hey, hey! I’m gonna get a little annoyed if you keep ignoring me, all right? Hey, what are you planning?> Aigis was making unhappy sounds of metal on metal. 

“Pay attention, Aigis,” I said. “I’ve got a girl you’re gonna worship.” 

6 

Event staff finally corralled the raging Darkness, took her to another area, and calmed her down. 

There was still some chattering, but things had finally gotten quiet enough to proceed. Onstage, the MC took the mic in hand once more. 

“Now, then. It looks like things have quieted down a bit, and we have no more contestants. That means it’s time to announce the victor of the Miss Eris—” 

But that was as far as he got. 

The noise in the square stopped instantaneously. 

The shouting adventurers. 

The merchants who had been getting ready to leave. 

Every single person around. 

Everyone there from every walk of life was focused completely and exclusively on the stage. 

No one knew when the girl standing before them had gotten there, but she wore a gentle smile. 

“…Uh… Huh? Um…” As everyone stared at the girl, the MC tried to muster something to say. “………Um. It appears we have…a walk-on contestant…and that’s…just fine, I think…?” 

The girl stood on the stage, still smiling quietly. 

That’s right. 

Her face, her clothes, everything about her would have been immediately familiar to anyone from this world: She was the spitting image of the goddess Eris. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry for just jumping in,” Eris said, placing her hands together. She bowed her head. It was enough to set the MC reeling. 

“N-n-n-n-n-not at all! Not in the least! Don’t you worry about it! Th-thank you very much for participating in today’s Miss Lady Eris Contest!” 

The fact that it had suddenly become the Miss Lady Eris Contest implied that the MC had realized, however dimly, who was standing in front of him. 

But not everyone, it seemed, had overcome their feelings of disbelief. Time seemed to start moving in the square again, a murmur—but not a very loud one—spreading through the crowd. Beside me, Aigis didn’t make a peep. 

Finally, the MC seemed to collect himself, and he held out the mic for Eris with a certain reluctance. 

“A-all right, then… Please forgive me for asking the same thing we ask all our contestants, but…if possible, perhaps you could tell us your name…?” 

He sounded fearful and somehow hopeful at the same time. Eris smiled at the crowd in a way that caused everyone present to draw a collective breath. 

“My name is Eris.” 

The moment she spoke, a cheer rocked the square. A frenzied shouting of Eris’s name. 

Some people were just gazing up at her, as if they had fallen in love. Others had placed their hands together in prayer. Some of the people around us, presumably Eris followers, were weeping and prostrating themselves. 

“M-man, so this is the power of a real goddess. This is a bigger reaction than even I expected, gosh.” 

A little bit overwhelmed by the shouting, I turned to Aigis, who had been standing stock-still beside me. Now, though, he started to shiver. 

<I’ve found her…,> he whispered. <I’ve found her. I’ve found heeerrrrrr! Yes, that’s her! That’s my master if anyone! Is this real life?! Seriously, what’s going on?! How can a woman that gorgeous even exist in this world?! It doesn’t make any sense! It just doesn’t make any sense to me!!> 

“H-hey, calm down! I didn’t think suits of armor were even supposed to have personalities, and yours is the worst!” 

As I worked to talk down Aigis, onstage, the MC was trying his best to ask another question. 

“Ahhh, yes-yes-yes, th-thank you very much! Thank you so much for your most gracious answer! Uh, normally there would be two further questions…” The MC looked thrilled but sounded very intimidated. 

Those other two questions were the ones about her age and job. 

Eris giggled and said, “Those answers are secret.” Then she gave a mischievous wink and held up her pointer finger in a hush-hush gesture. 

There was another bout of raucous cheering, until the air itself started to shake. 

There was someone else—or should I say something else—here that was acting kind of weird. The self-proclaimed Sacred Treasure shouted out, <N-no, stop! Lady Eris, there’s no need for any more fan service! I, Aigis, will not let you strike such a devilish pose!> 

“You’re the one who needs to stop. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore! One thing you are is awfully noisy, though, so pipe down. I’ll introduce you to her later!” 

<You will?! Really?! A punk like you… I mean, a fine gentleman like yourself can introduce me to her?!> 

“Damn right I can. Didn’t I tell you? I said I would introduce you to a gorgeous woman if you did what Chris said. Incidentally, that is Chris there, as well as the goddess Eris. She told you over and over who she was, but you didn’t even listen.” 

<Fuuuck! Damn it all, wh-what am I gonna do? How can I apologize to Lady Eris?! H-hey, I’ll let you inside me for an hour if you just help me apologize to her!> 

Frankly, I had zero interest in being inside Aigis, but I thought maybe if I helped him out here, he would finally listen to Eris. 

From the stage, Eris looked directly at Aigis and me and giggled again. 

“The goddess Lady Eris has descended to walk among uuusssss!” somebody shouted. I gave her a wry smile back. 

“Lady Eris, please, please shake my hand! I’ve been so unlucky recently—please give me the blessing of the goddess of good fortune!” 

I couldn’t tell who had spoken. It might have been a testament to the sincerity of the prayer that it was audible over the hum and roar of the crowd. 

The cry seemed to cause the entire place to fall silent. 

…Huh? Wait, this doesn’t seem right. 

“Me too! Lady Eris, take my hand!” 

“Me first, idiot!” 

“Lady Eris, there’s a hungry cat waiting for me at home. Please help me win the lottery on my way back…!” 

Impassioned audience members started trying to climb up onto the stage. 

“Please stay calm, everyone!” the MC said. “Please stay off the stage!” But the announcer’s cries did nothing to stop the crowd. 

Onstage, Eris looked lost and concerned, but nonetheless she reached out delicately to take the hand outstretched to her. 

Why would you let yourself get pushed around so easily, Lady Eris? You could just turn the guy down. 

Nearby, I heard two Eris followers shouting to each other before they rushed off. 

“Hey, we’ve got to protect Lady Eris!” 

“Y-yeah, we can’t let this go on! Look, they’re getting so carried away that they won’t let go of her hand!” 

I agreed with them: I didn’t like the way this was going. It was like an idol meet-and-greet gone bad; it was only a matter of time until somebody did something truly heinous. 

“Help me out here, Aigis! Lady Eris is gonna get hurt at this rate! If you really want to show her you’re sorry, then use yourself to protect her!” 

<Yeah! Who could have predicted a twist so favorable to a suit of armor?! I’ll protect her—I’ll super-protect her! I, the sacred armor Aigis, shall protect the chaste jewel that is Lady Eris to my dying breath!> 

“Ch-chaste? I don’t think you… Actually, since she doesn’t seem to know anything about love, maybe she is…” 

<Lady Eris is a goddess! She must be a virgin! I’m sure she’s the kind of girl who, if she were faced with the grimy naked body of a man, would cry out and cover her face. But then she would peek through her fingers, because she would be just the slightest bit interested by the sight. She’s gentle and kindhearted, and I’m sure she smells wonderful.> 

Man, he was really smitten. 

“Come on—let’s hurry! When we get up onstage, you surround Lady Eris! Then we bust through the crowd!” 

<Awesome! I never dreamed I would get to be one with Lady Eris so soon! L-Lady Eris…inside me… Pant, pant…> 

“You’re starting to sound like the most dangerous guy of all; is this really a good idea?! Anyway, take care of the crowd in front of us—you’re a walking weapon, aren’t you?!” 

Aigis responded by shoving his way through the crowd. 

<Damn right I am! And now that I’ve found my true master, I’m hotter than anyone in this square! You there, outta my way! I’m so superheated I’ll burn anyone who touches me! > 

“Errrgyahhh! Who is this guy? Who would be stupid enough to wear armor that hot?!” 

“Hey, don’t push. I don’t care how hot you— No, sto— Aggghhh!” 

“Somebody dump some water on this guy! Water!” 

I understood. Aigis had been out in the sun for so long that now he was burning hot. He worked his way through the crowd as various audience members fled from him, while I got to the stage as fast as I could. 

Eris was still politely clasping hands with people. “K-Kazuma!” she said, looking worried. “What do we do? This is getting messy…” 

“Aigis is on his way here. I want you to get inside him and go somewhere deserted! … Hey, you, give Lady Eris her hand back! If you wanna hold on to someone for so long, I’ll give you my hand instead!” 

“Ahhh, stop! I was never going to wash this hand again!” 

I was forcibly exchanging pulling Eris’s hand from the grasp of one of the audience members and replacing it with mine when Aigis dragged himself out of the crowd and up onto the stage. 

<Sorry to keep you waiting, Master. Please get inside me, quickly! The magic phrase to unlock me is ‘I’m gonna be ol’ Aigis’s bride!’ Go for it!> 

“I-I’m gonna be ol’ Aigis’s—” 

“Please don’t let him trick you, Lady Eris. And as for you, we don’t have time for games!” 

Aigis gave a disappointed shrug. <Aww, too bad… Oh well, here we go, Master! Com-bine!> 

There was a bright flash. The intensity of it caused everyone nearby, including the MC, the entire audience, and me to shield our eyes. Then we finally looked back at Eris…! 

Ensconced in the armor, the goddess began squealing. “Ahhh, it’s hot! Kazuma, it’s hot; I’m going to fry in here!” 

Crap! That’s right—Aigis was really warm just then! 

I raised my right hand and pointed it at the armor. 

“Freeze!!” 

[But the spell has no effect.] 

Argh, that’s right—spells and skills didn’t work on this guy! 

“Is Lady Eris gone?!” 

“Where’d she go?!” 

“Could she have gone back to her heavenly home?” 

“No, those two guys who climbed up on the stage did something!” 

It appeared to the audience that Eris had vanished in that flash of light, and now they began to mount the stage, pointing at Aigis and me. 

“I don’t like where this is going… Hey, Aigis! I’ll distract them and try to hold them off for a while. You take Lady Eris and run!” 

<Leave it to me! And here’s a special tip for all your hard work: Lady Eris really does smell wonderful!> 

This guy is hopeless. 

Not that I wasn’t slightly happy to receive that information! 

“K-Kazuma?! Those people look murderous; you’re going to be in danger…!” Eris said, her voice muffled by the armor. Maybe she didn’t have time to be concerned about Aigis’s impropriety. 

I tried to reassure her as best I could. 

“It’s all right. They’re all barehanded. The way I’m feeling now, none of them can beat me.” 

If they didn’t have any weapons, then with my Drain Touch skill, I held the advantage. 

I turned to the crowd trying to get up onto the stage and said, “This ought to cool you off! Create Water!” 

The moment I shouted, a veritable flood crashed down on their heads! 

“Glurg?! That son of a—!” 

“Aww, now he’s done it! Come here, you!” 

“That’s the Adventurer Kazuma—he’s famous for how weak he is! Let’s get him!” 

Now they were sopping wet and ready to kill me. At least I had gotten their attention. 

Maybe Eris was resisting Aigis, though, because the armor made no move to escape. 

“Go, Chief,” I said. “It’s the duty of a lackey to sacrifice himself when his leader is going to be captured.” 

“L-Lowly Assistant…” 

I turned my back on Aigis, who still hadn’t moved. 

“Plus, today is the last day of the festival!” I added. “And festivals mean two things: shop stalls and fireworks. And they say fighting is the flower of a festival!” I put up my dukes. “Come and get meeeeee!!” 

“Lowly Assistant!” 

Maybe Aigis finally got a move on, because Eris’s voice seemed to be getting farther away as I launched myself at the crowd…! 

7 

Darkness stood with her arms crossed, glaring down at me. 

“Well, Mr. Kingpin, what do you have to say for yourself?” 

After getting into a gigantic fistfight at the beauty contest, I had been taken in by the police and tossed into a holding cell. They told me to just cool my head for a bit and then left me there to sit sadly with my knees drawn up into my chest, even though it was the last day of the festival… 

“Look. I’m grateful to you for rescuing me and all, but what’s the big idea?” 

I had been set free thanks to Darkness’s intercession, but no sooner had I gotten home than she made me kneel formally in the living room. Beside me was Aqua, also sitting on her knees, with Emperor Zel in her arms and a sparkle in her eyes. 

Apparently, she had something to answer for, too. The at-least-I’m-not-the-only-one-getting-in-trouble look on her face kind of bugged me, though. 

Megumin, who had also been released after Darkness talked to the police, was leaning on the sofa, watching me with a look of exasperation. 

“And what do you mean, kingpin?” I said. “Tell me exactly what happened while I was in police custody.” 

I couldn’t think of anything I’d done to feel guilty about, but nonetheless, I kept my hands in front of me on the carpet so that I could throw myself into a posture of abject apology if the discussion turned sour. 

“First, let me ask you something… When you spoke to the merchants’ council, did you really tell them that pitting the Axis and Eris Churches against each other would be the best way to boost profits?” 

Without missing a beat, I lowered myself into a perfect formal bow of apology. 

Darkness didn’t even hesitate but kept talking. “And according to Aqua, the person who first thought of cosponsoring the Eris Appreciation Festival wasn’t her but you. And according to the council president, lewd ideas like putting the salesgirls in swimsuits and having a costume parade were yours, too… Here, ‘Honored Adviser.’ Have a look at this. The president brought it to me by way of apology.” 

Apparently, she had found everything out when the council president had come here personally to apologize. Now that I thought about it, I realized he probably had no idea Darkness and I lived in the same house. 

What was I gonna do? The collective gaze in the room on me was so cold. Maybe if I pretended I’d gone into shock, they’d let it go. 

“Don’t look so pitiful, Kazuma. You’ll make us feel like we’re the ones bullying you,” Darkness said. “In any event, the practice of skimming some of the profits from the festival is an ugly relic left behind by the former governor. It’s not your fault—you can accept this proudly… Come on, Honored Adviser; do you really not want it?” 

Darkness pretended to look concerned as she held out the bulging sack of money. 

Stop—please stop. It would be better if you yelled your lungs out at me. 

“Well, hold on, Darkness. There’s something else that bothers me more than this,” Megumin said, preparing to lob another bomb my way. “Kazuma. I hear tell that you are on good terms with a number of women these days. For example, I hear that you were up drinking until dawn with a certain succubus cosplayer lady. I am not saying you were wrong to do it. It’s not like you’re dating anyone, after all.” 

“Y-you really lived it up, didn’t you…?” Darkness said. “I mean, we don’t really have the kind of relationship where I can criticize you for it, but after you and I got so far along, do you really think that’s appropriate?” 

Aww, not Darkness, too. 

Megumin did a double take when she heard this. 

“I think I just heard something I cannot ignore! When exactly did you ‘get so far along’? How far along did you get? What base carnality, to get so carried away by the festival that you jump straight to having physical relations!” 

“W-wait, what…?!” Darkness exclaimed. “W-we haven’t had physical relations yet…!” 

“Did you say ‘yet’? Meaning that one day you expect to have them, you despicable cur!” 

I turned my attention away from the sudden catfight. 

“Hey, Aqua, do you think I’m sort of like the star of a harem thing right now?” 

“You look awfully happy for someone who’s being forced to sit and apologize in his own living room.” 

Whether because she had overheard us or just to keep Megumin from attacking her any more, Darkness said, “Th-that’s right, Aqua! You’re next! Just what do you intend to do about everything that’s happened?” Darkness’s hair was disheveled, and she sounded a bit panicked. 

“…Come on, Darkness; let’s talk about this. Even that masked demon said it. Humans are a race that has conversations.” 

Come to think of it, I still didn’t know what she had actually done. 

“That’s true—you’re right. I do believe talking to one another is important. If we had started with a conversation, things might never have gotten so out of hand.” 

Aqua sat beside me, still with her knees tucked under her and still with Emperor Zel in her arms. She was making one of her rare logical pronouncements, and Darkness slowed down to answer. 

I finally got to hear the whole story. 

It was the day of the Eris beauty contest. 

The Axis disciples, flush with their recent run of sales, were intent on striking the final blow to the Eris Church, which they planned to do with an idea Aqua had come up with. That would be the secret plan Cecily had talked about. 

Aqua, who was a total idiot except when it came to Japanese street stalls, apparently, had hit upon a brilliant, awful idea. 

“I can’t believe you actually came up with a plan like this,” Megumin said, sounding really impressed. “It certainly would result in a lot of money for the person who started it. It’s almost too good an idea to believe it’s really yours, Aqua.” 

Darkness leaned in, unmoved. “And who taught you about this ‘pyramid scheme’? You didn’t come up with such a high-level crime on your own, did you?” She brought her face right up to Aqua’s. 

Aqua looked away and pointed directly at… 

…me. 

“Hey, don’t try to pin this on me! Yeah, I admit that one time, way back when we were still mired in debt, I complained that I had no hope of paying the money back and wondered aloud if I should start a pyramid scheme or something! And yeah, I admit that I explained how they work!” 

“So it was you! How much trouble do you have to cause here before you’ll be satisfied?” 

“Hey, this was not my idea! It’s a well-known crime in my country, and… Hey, Aqua, you knew full well it was illegal, didn’t you?! Don’t you pretend you can’t hear me!” 

That’s right: This idiot had deployed her followers in the service of a pyramid scheme. Apparently, she figured that in a world with less elaborate laws than Earth’s, she was entitled to whatever she could get away with. Given the huge crowd present for the festival, her system spread instantly and made a staggering amount of money in just one day. 

Too much money. 

Enough money that Darkness found out about it. 

Aqua, who had been listening politely until that moment, suddenly faced Darkness head-on and exclaimed, “I didn’t have any choice! The Eris Church had that juvenile Miss Whatever Contest, and they were going to outperform us! Plus, it’s going to take a lot of money if we want to host the Aqua Appreciation Festival by ourselves next year, so—!” 

“And you think that’s an excuse to commit a crime?! This all started because you demanded to be included in the festival…” 

“Aww, but it’s not fair for the festival to be all about Eris! Why don’t I have a festival? Why doesn’t anyone venerate me? I want to be worshipped and pampered! Anyway, a pyramid scheme isn’t a crime yet!” 

“That’s true for now. For now! That just means it’s a new form of fraud that we haven’t yet made laws against, but it’s still outrageous behavior!” 

As the temperature rose between them, Megumin and I looked at each other and smiled. 

“If the law hasn’t caught up with me, then nothing about my idea was illegal! So give me back the money I made! Give me back the money for next year’s Aqua Appreciation Festival!!” 

“That money has already been returned to your victims! If you push any harder, you’re going to find yourself with a criminal record like Megumin and Kazuma!” 

“P-pardon me, but I was merely put in jail and told to cool down. I do not have a criminal record!” 

“Y-yeah, and I got off with a warning!”