Twilight Upon a Thousand Snow-capped Mountains - Chapter 5.1

Chapter 5 (1)

On the stairs of the stadium, he hid a bottle tab ring in the sandwich he bought me. I almost cut my tongue on it, it gave me a shock. But he earnestly put the ring tab onto my finger, “Marry me after graduation.”

It was so cliched, even a few years back it was a common scenario in television dramas, even looking at it made one feel sick. But right then I really felt blessed, because it was him.

Full of joy in my heart, I said, “Who would want to marry you? I still need to attend university.”

“Then marry me when you graduate with a degree.” Even his smile had the hint of bliss, “No later, or I’ll be too old.”

In high school, both of us felt that graduating from university was something that would happen much later. When we graduated, we would become adults and could get married.

To a youthful teenager, even a few years could be regarded as forever.

Both of us didn’t imagine that we would break up even before we graduated from high school.

From then on Xiao Shan was a passerby, to him, I was a passerby too.

While I was in a daze, someone patted me. It was Mu Zhen Fei, he brought a plate of cake over, “Nah.” The cake was huge, so everyone got a big piece, I viciously bit into the soft fluffy cake, and wasn’t fazed even when the cream got on the corners of my mouth. If I didn’t start eating something, I feared I would cry. Mu Zhen Fei saw me eating so hungrily, so he gave his piece to me as well, “I’ve never seen you as hungry as this.” My mouth was filled with cake, so my words were muffled as I said, “It’s yummy.”

It was really yummy, so sickly sweet, so heartrendingly bitter that hot tears threatened to spill from my eyes. Mouth after mouth I devoured the cake, afraid that if I stopped, I would want to turn away and escape.

Everyone was really happy, first Zhao Gao Xing sang two duets with Yue Ying, then everyone starting snatching the microphones, passing it around in each others’ hands. Snatching it here and there that no one knew who requested “Happy Brush Brush”, so everyone sang together loudly. As there were many people, they weren’t singing but yelling out “Happy Brush Brush”.

Xiao Shan didn’t sing a single song, not even his specialties by Jay Chou. As for me I sang a couple of songs, Yue Ying knew that I was a microphone hogger too, so she helped me to select songs, all those I was good at. I sang one song after another, dedicated and fully immersed in the song. My mouth was dry and my tongue was parched, Mu Zhen Fei brought me a cup of fruit juice. I drank it thirstily and realized my voice was husky.

We stayed out till very late that night, when walking down the stairs everyone seemed a little tipsy. Others were intoxicated by alcohol, we were intoxicated by the songs. There weren’t many people left in the lobby, the white grand piano was placed in the middle of the huge glass panel flooring. Lights shone on it like a blurred symphony of colours. Zhao Gao Xing must had been too happy today, running towards it to open the cover, fingers moving over the keys and easily playing “Two Tigers”*, the jabbering tune made everyone roll around in laughter. *Children’s nursery rhyme Before he finished playing, Yue Ying smacked the back of his head, “How embarrassing, there’s a grade 10 pianist here and yet you’re showing off your mediocre skills.”

Zhao Gao Xing only had admiration in his eyes, “You’re a grade 10 pianist?”

Yue Ying gently pushed the back of his head, “I don’t have such talent.” She turned around and called out to me, “Tong Xue come over, show him what you’re made off and amaze him.”

I had been laughing the whole night, and my cheeks were already sore but right then, I felt that my cheeks got even more sore, “I haven’t played in a few years, I don’t even know where the keys are. Let’s go, it’s late.”

Yue Ying wouldn’t give in or let me off, “Remember you played during commencement, stop shying away, hurry over, play one of your hit piano pieces.”

I completely daren’t look up at the people around, thankfully Mu Zhen Fei stood beside me. He was tall, so I tried my best to disappear into his shadow and mumbled incoherently, “It’s too late, let’s hurry back, before the hostel entrance is closed.”

How we left, I had forgotten, I focused on not trembling, I focused on avoiding the perceived gaze of Xiao Shan upon me. Perhaps I was foolishly sentimental, he didn’t even look at me, or perhaps wasn’t even aware of what Yue Ying and I were talking about.

We went back really late, the lights of the hostel were already switched off. Yue Ying washed up first and went to bed, before I went to brush my teeth in the bathroom. The snow white scent of mint wafted through my teeth, I mechanically shifted the toothbrush in my mouth, thinking of the farewell outside west gate. Zhao Gao Xing and his friends, Yue Ying, me and the group of us, were returning to our respective schools, so we were saying our goodbyes outside the west gate. Only when we almost reached the west gate did I turn back, Zhao Gao Xing and the rest had left, under the bright lights of the west street, both sides were filled with street stalls selling barbecue, selling pirated books…a smoky fiery street, the countless lanterns on the street stalls, the brightly lit up street looked like a bustling river. Xiao Shan’s shadow disappeared into that river of lights, as though this night was a scene from my dreams, and he had never appeared.

I felt unsettled the whole night, I was chatty so usually Mu Zhen Fei would tease me about being noisy, he must had felt exceptionally so tonight. Actually I was both fearful and anxious, I was afraid that others would see through how different I was acting that day. In the end I really showed how different I was acting from usual, I was over the top. From the moment Xiao Shan appeared, I was in a flurry, even until he walked in the opposite direction of the bright lit west street together Zhao Gao Xing and the rest, I felt something tugging at my heart.

I summoned all my strength to finish brushing my teeth, my mind was in a mess, and so I held the cup with my left hand. The streetlights outside shone dim rays of light, and I could see the water in the cup rippling furiously, spilling out of it. I hurriedly placed the cup down. Just a second more and I wouldn’t be able to hold it any longer, the cup would fall into the basin.

I stood before the wash basin, the streetlights streaming in were dim, the reflection in the mirror was a dark shadow. My right hand instinctively touched the string of beads over my left wrist, everyone knew that this string of black obsidians were my talisman. I wouldn’t take it down even when bathing. Actually these beads had a secret, they hid the scars on my left wrist.

The scar left on my left wrist wasn’t thick, but it was extremely deep, so deep that it almost cut into the nerves of my entire left hand. I had heard that the best surgeon in the city had done the realignment surgery for me but until now, my left hand didn’t have much strength, not even to hold a glass of water.

When I was fourteen I had achieved a grade 10 in piano. My mum loved to hear me play “Cavatina” then. A long time ago, when Xiao Shan and I snuck into the piano room in school, I once played “Thanksgiving” for him.

But for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be able to play the piano again.

I remember that night, in the ward, Mo Shao Qian’s icy cold fingers, pressed the artery on my neck. Even his gaze was like ice, his tone was calm. He ran his fingers against the throbbing artery, with a callous smile, “Why not take a stab here as well? If you were going to cut, you should have cut here. Blood will gush out reaching even two metres away, spraying all over the ceiling. You would be dead in 5 minutes and saving all these trouble.”

The long surgery I went through had thoroughly exhausted me and I didn’t have any energy for a retort. Or maybe the last try had ended in hopelessness. I looked at him, void of hatred, if this is fate, then I’ll surrender to it.

I surrendered, living soullessly, giving up on the reunion with my dead parents; I surrendered, so I shamelessly became Mo Shao Qian’s mistress; I surrendered, so I hypocritically continued my undergraduate studies, as though nothing had happened, like a self righteous student.

I was grateful that I had broken up with Xiao Shan much earlier. At least I would not have brought Xiao Shan into this murky relationship.

Xiao Shan, actually these two words were light on the tongue, like the breeze in spring, gentle and warm. Whenever I soundlessly mouthed this name, it was so soft that no one on this earth could hear it.

That was my only treasure, what I once owned, the very best.

But it was lost now, no matter what, it was gone.

Just like my parents, no matter how I cried, how I fussed, how I sunk into depression and sadness, they would never return to my side. Wouldn’t comfort me, take care of me, to let me lean on.

This unexpected meeting with Xiao Shan left me despondent for a week. I didn’t go anywhere. Besides attending my lessons, I stayed in the room, frantically doing my homework. I completed almost half a book of advanced mathematics sample questions. While doing so, my heart was at ease, while doing so I didn’t feel like I was alone. The pen nib scratched against the paper as I wrote those calculations down. Right then I felt as though I was back before the blackboard in high school, I knew there was someone beside me, the chalk making a squeaky sound in his hand. Lines after lines of formulae, lines after lines of workings, appearing from under our hands. I knew he was by my side, advancing together with me, eventually writing the same answers I did.

During the weekends, Mu Zhen Fei asked us out for sliced lamb hotpot, I didn’t want to go but Yue Ying dragged me along.  Since Xiao Shan’s appearance the last time, I began to feel fearful of meetings with Mu Zhen Fei and Zhao Gao Xing. I was afraid that Xiao Shan would come along with them. Only after coming face to face with Xiao Shan did I realize what a weakling I was. I thought that I was completely broken, I thought that nothing mattered to me anymore but when Xiao Shan appeared then, I fell to pieces all over again.

That “crack” sound, was from my heart. Spreading across my bones, every inch of my skin, shattering into the tiniest broken pieces, showering another wave of pain.

Three years, so even after three years I could not forget him. He suggested the breakup, I agreed, then we broke up. Even today I could remember the offhanded comfort I offered myself, “Isn’t it just a breakup? A puppy love at 16 years old would last forever? After entering university, I’ll definitely forget him.”

But I had never been able to forget him.

Entering the lamb hotpot shop, my heart fell, like a rock, sinking into impenetrable depths. Not only did I see Xiao Shan but I also saw Lin Zi Xian sitting beside him. She became even prettier after a few years, emanating a unique charisma. I couldn’t even move forward, if not for Yue Ying pulling onto me, I would have collapsed like a pile of damp sugar crystals.

Lin Zi Xian was very gracious, even standing up to shake hands when she saw me. Mu Zhen Fei only knew then that Xiao Shan, Lin Zi Xian and I were classmates in high school. He seemed to be brimming with interest as he observed us. I spoke the most among the three of us, I praised Lin Zi Xian’s bag, it was an independent designer’s masterpiece. Afterwards I praised her scarf, Burberry checks, it was a timeless classic. Beads of nouns and adjectives rolled from my tongue, I loved talking even more than counsellors that dealt with minds. I nagged even more than the menopausal old ladies who were in charge of periodicals in the library. Because I didn’t know what I would say if I stopped, my friendship with Lin Zi Xian suddenly materialised, even though we had not even met once after high school.

Even Yue Ying was successfully deceived by me, she must have assumed that I was ecstatic upon meeting up with my old classmates. She picked a slice of lamb and placed it on my plate, “Hurry eat, you’re like the Huang river with your endless words.”

I laughed and began eating the lamb, Xiao Shan also cooked a spoonful of lamb for Lin Zi Xian, she whined, “It’s so fatty…how am I supposed to eat this?”

Xiao Shan was patient, using the chopsticks to pick away at the fats. I dug into the sweetened garlic, who knew Zhao Gao Xing said, “Boss, look at Xiao Shan and his girlfriend. This is truly a loving couple, you don’t even bother about Sister-in-law, eating away by yourself.”

I almost choked to death on the sweetened garlic, Mu Zhen Fei glanced up at Zhao Gao Xing, revealing those dimples of his. Smiling with his cherry lips and white teeth, “You’re trying to egg me into offering my affection, I’m not falling for that.”

Zhao Gao Xing laughed loudly, cooking a spoonful of lamb for Yue Ying, “You won’t offer but I will.”

Yue Ying purposely hit the spoon with her chopsticks, making a “ding ding dang dang” sound, everyone was in good spirits, it was extremely lively.

This was the most exhausting meal I had eaten in my life. I put in a lot of effort to eat, forcing myself to not let my imagination run wild.

In the end, Zhao Gao Xing wanted to sing karaoke, Xiao Shan and Lin Zi Xian also seemed enthusiastic about it. Only I didn’t want to go through with this any longer, giving the excuse of having a report to submit on Monday. I rushed back to carry on my deception.

They all went to sing karaoke, leaving Mu Zhen Fei to send me back. I wanted to leave on my own but Yue Ying said, “Let Boss send you back.” Zhao Gao Xing chimed in as well. I didn’t have the strength to disagree, so I followed Mu Zhen Fei back.