Twilight Upon a Thousand Snow-capped Mountains - Chapter 5.2

Chapter 5 (2)

Since it was the weekend, the school grounds were bustling with activity even at this time. After entering the west gate we took a shortcut, directly cutting across the hill. It was covered with cherry blossom trees, many were planted in the early years when the school was built. When the flowers bloomed the fragrance wafted across ten miles, even the tour groups regarded it as an attraction. During the flowering season, tour leaders with their little flags brought crowds of tourists to visit all the time.

This route was extremely quiet, with only one streetlamp quite a distance away. After walking halfway through the meandering alley, my clothes were completely soaked in sweat. I could see the pavilion at the top of the slope from far. The words on the pavilion were written by a master in national studies, his words in cursive showcased a strength of character. The words in front of the wooden pillars were engraved onto a marble column only two years ago. This master in national studies couldn’t bear the weight of criticism during the revolution, eventually drowning himself in the Ming Yue Lake at the bottom of the slope. So whenever the words in calligraphy, “The light breeze and bright moon shine upon the other” were seen, many many students would be overcome by  a mysteriously sorrowful thoughts. This was also a popular dating spot for our school, the famous lover’s hill. I highly suspect that guys loved to date their girlfriends here because there was a great atmosphere for telling ghost stories.  They could scare their girlfriends senseless then comfort them with kisses.

I wasn’t a fast walker and Mu Zhen Fei accommodated my pace, taking slow steps as well.

Perhaps my dragging footsteps gave him the impression that I was tired so he suggested, “Let’s rest for a bit.”

Actually, I had that bit of strength left but after he say that I was like a martial arts trainee, losing even that bit of energy. I sat in the pavilion resting against sturdy rosewood rails. A hundred year old elite school, how many had once sat here in the peak of their youth. But eventually all things come to an end.

Mu Zhen Fei sat beside me, took out his cigarette pack and asked gentlemanly, “May I?”

I had never seen Mu Zhen Fei smoke, though Mo Shao Qian did occasionally smoke one. If I was by his side, he would likewise ask politely if he could.

That’s when I realized that Mu Zhen Fei was very well brought up. Thinking about it, he must had been at least born of a middle to high income family. Always having sound basis for his actions, no matter what he does, he was prepared and calm. I had never noticed before, perhaps because the gatherings were always in a large group, so I didn’t take note of it.

I nodded, Mu Zhen Fei lighted his cigarette, there was a light smoky scent emanating. He sat quite a distance away from me, at the downwind. The cigarette smell made me feel weak with familiarity. I recalled when I woke up occasionally in the middle of the night, seeing the lights on, I would rub my eyes and push open the study door. I would see that Mo Shao Qian had yet to sleep, completely preoccupied by the computer or stuff I was unfamiliar with. Sometimes his fingers would be holding a stick of cigarette, for the same purpose as coffee, so he felt more refreshed.

Thoroughly exhausted, I asked Mu Zhen Fei, “Could I lean on your shoulder for a while?”

He stubbed his cigarette out, sitting close beside me, I leaned lightly on his shoulder. He said, “No crying, if you cry I’m going to have to charge you.”

I laughed, aware of the strength of our friendship, lucky he knew I had no other intentions towards him. On this night, all I longed for was someone to rely on, since he was there for me, it suffering his ridicule was worth it.

There were few stars in the sky, in such modern cities, all four corners of the night sky glowed red. That was the light pollution from the cities, stars turned into blurry faded images. Every single star was like a left out sesame seed.

Mu Zhen Fei asked, “Why are you always so unhappy?”

I grimaced and forced a laugh, “Am I?”

He didn’t look at me, simply lifting his head to look at the stars and faintly said, “Even when you laugh, your eyes are filled with pain.”

I had goosebumps all overandtugged onto to his sleeve,”Boss, you’re a top student from engineering, the future father of robotics. The pride and pillar of our nation in a school that constantly strives to improve society. It’s so mushy to watch you get all artsy.”

He finally cast me a glance, “Your Taiwanese accent is what’s mushy.”

I laughed out loud and straightened his collar, “Why don’t you date? If you are willing too, I’m sure that girl will experience a pain worse than death.”

He replied, “Why must I let her experience a pain worse than death? Isn’t love supposed to make the other feel blessed and happy?”

I shook my head like a rattle, “You must let her experience a pain worse than death so that she will remember you forever, deeply keep you in mind. Her teeth itches when she thinks of she, her heart aches when she sees you. Unknowingly loving you for a lifetime, how great that would be.”

Mu Zhen Fei laughed, revealing those charming dimples, “If I truly love a person, I will let her be blissful and happy. I’d rather be the one who suffers a pain worse than death, the one who remembers her forever. My teeth itches when I think of her, my heart aches when I see her. Unknowingly loving her for  a lifetime.”

Where to find such a guy, I truly wanted to cry.

I grabbed Mu Zhen Fei, completely thick-skinned, “Love me then, I beg of you.”

He really knew how to react in every situation, nonchalantly blocking my hand and casually replying, “In your dreams.”

At ten that night,Yue Ying returned. When she came back I had not yet fallen asleep, lying on my bed looking at some English practice questions. Yue Ying brought some barbecued chicken wings home for me, I rolled out of bed to munch on them. After biting into a piece, I felt a pain emanating from the tip of my tongue. It was so spicy, this girl actually bought me super spicy ones.

Yue Ying saw my eyes welling up with tears and said harshly, “Cry, why don’t you use this opportunity to cry?”

I continued chewing on the chicken wing without making a sound.

She roughly stabbed my forehead with her finger, “Look at how loserish you’re acting, he only brought his girlfriend along. And you almost fell apart.”

In the past I had never told her about Xiao Shan and me, much less mention his name in front of her. I didn’t know how she knew but she rambled on, “Lucky there wasn’t a hoel in a ground, or I suspect you would have dug yourself into it. I really wanted to pass you a mirror to let you see that expression of yours. Just a high school classmate bringing along a gorgeous girlfriend, were you secretly in love with him for many years or have you dated him before, to look as though you had lost your soul.”

This girl had certainly read ten thousands of short stories, I didn’t expect that she would pick up on what happened tonight. I guiltily asked, “How could you tell?”

“Even a blind person could see it, your hands were shaking, face was pale, voice sounded weird as though you were forced to sing opera. Do you think you’re Su Shan Shan, capable of winning an international award for your acting?”

I didn’t even care that she compared Su Shan Shan to me, I just wanted to wail in bed, “Was it that obvious? I thought I was calm and rational.”

“Too embarassing, how mortifying.” Yue Ying gnashed her teeth, as though she was laughing coldly or in pique, “If you really can’t forget him, why not snatch him back? She’s just a foreign language student. Hmfp, the entry requirements for our school is a hundred points higher than theirs! How could you lose to a girl like that?”

What is all this nonsense?

Love has nothing to do with grades, it has nothing to do with anything else.

For example, I love Xiao Shan, that’s my problem. It has nothing to do with Xiao Shan, much less Lin Zi Xian.

I continued stuffing myself with chicken wings, Yue Ying continued to interrogate me, asking about what had happened before. I didn’t manage to throw her off, so I told her the basics,”We did date before…he was the one who suggested the breakup…I felt that it was right to do so…we weren’t getting along…constantly quarrelling,…until both of us were sick of it…it’s hard to let go of a first love…I really don’t love him anymore…really…I swear by my study guide…”

Yue Ying was furiously, smacking her palm against the table,”Get out of here! You don’t love him anymore? If you didn’t why were you so listless since my birthday. Don’t think I can’t recall, he went that night, right?”

Yue Ying was really pissed, only when she was truly angry would she spout harsh words. Typically she would portray the image of a well bred lady, like me, only when I was fuming would I would curse Mo Shan Qian’s ancestors in my heart. I was done with the chicken wings and calmly said, “You are right but I am just not fated to be with him, truly, when we couldn’t even get along before. Think about it, he has a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend, everypne’s doing fine. Leaving it as a memory isn’t all that bad. In eight to ten years, I might miss him even more, afterall it was my first love. Then I might already be married, might already have kids, hugging my daughter as I tell her, your mum’s first love was so handsome…already 1.85m in high school…tall and attractive…had fantastic grades in maths…good in English…played basketball and could sing Jay Chou’s…Jay Chou might not be singing anymore then, my daughter would not know who he is…”

Yue Ying heard my rambling soullessly, suddenly she was no longer angry. Just sat there, let out a sigh, as though she was appeased by me.

I frequently appeased myself in the same way, just bearing with it till it goes away, bearing with it till I forgot…just bearing with it…like that year when I knew of my parents’ accident. Time and time again I cried myself awake at night but in the day, in front of others, I held it in, no matter how heartbroken I was. Mum and Dad wouldn’t come back anymore, no matter how upset I was, I could only bear with it. No one knew what I had gone through, again and again I lied to myself, just bear with it and it would pass. I held it in…even the worst pain, no matter how bad things could get, the worst had already happened.

Yi Shi said before to bear it until the breaking point, and hold it in right from the start again. If I couldn’t bear it, I would not have lived till this day. If I could not, I would have died three years ago.

I reckoned that the expression in my eyes had scared Yue Ying. Those days a long time ago, whenever I looked in the mirror I would be frightened by the sorrow in my eyes. So she suddenly reached out to hug me and said, ” Tong Xue, if it’s really too hard, why not let it out? Just cry.”

Instead I lifted the corners of my lips and smiled at her, “I’m not upset, really.”

She smacked the centre of my back,”You are in so much pain that it makes me feel bad, urgh.”