Twilight Upon a Thousand Snow-capped Mountains - Chapter 6.2

Chapter 6 (2)

I compliantly backed out hugging on to my towel, before I reached the room door, I heard him say,”I’ve eaten…was bathing just now…”

This familial tone was rare, without doubt the person on the end was his wife. My footsteps unwittingly slackened, with an inexplicable sense of panic. I would be reminded of my shameful status during times like these. Guilt and embarrassment threw me into a frenzy, leaving me with no other option but to hastily flee.

I returned to my own room, forgot to switch on the lights, so I sat in the darkness for a long while. I also neglected to blow dry my hair, drops of water dripped down, some landing on my shoulders, icy cold, just like tears. Actually I had not cried in a long time, it was even harder to do so now, I didn’t have tears anymore.

I didn’t know how long I sat for, suddenly the ceiling lights lit up, so bright that I couldn’t open my eyes momentarily. I instinctively used my hands to block the piercing rays and saw Mo Shao Qian walk in, asking,”Why are you just sitting here?”

I giggled, and said coyly,”Hug me.”

Since I’m a mistress, there should be some semblance of how a mistress should act. It was of utmost importance to get on the good side of the gold master. When it’s time to act coy I should act coy, just like Cutie, shaking his head and wagging his tail whenever it saw Mo Shao Qian. Only then would it be possible to live a good life.

Mo Shao Qian would always take me into his arms so-called princess style, like how the prince would take the princess into his arms in disney movies. Pity he wasn’t prince charming, and I wasn’t a princess. Sometimes I would rather be the witch, concocting poisonous medicine.

Like right now, he carried me into the master bedroom, placing me across his huge king size bed as he propped his arms and looked at me from the opposite direction. This weird position made me feel uncomfortable, in my eyes his face was inverted, in his eyes, I didn’t know what I looked like to him. He looked at me, unmoving, in that pair of inverted eyes, his gaze gradually deepened just like the other time, that gaze seemed to pierce through my face, as though he was staring at a stranger. Probably this completely foreign coexistence made me feel uneasy, or his gaze threw me into insanity. I heard myself muttering, “Have you ever loved a person?”

“Loved to the point of no return, loved till you couldn’t extricate yourself…even if you could not possess her, you hoped that you could through other means, deceiving yourself in the process…”my voice lowered, I was frightened by how daring I was.

He interrupted me coldly, “You’ve watched too much television! Letting your mind go wild all the time!”

He got up to spread the blanket, lied down and couldn’t be bothered with me. This was his blatant expulsion, I had committed a huge taboo. It was because I had been too upset lately, I intentionally burdened myself with more stress, best if I reached breaking point, so that I would have good reason to crumble. But the dumbest thing I did was to choose the wrong opponent, he reminded me with just simple body language that he was someone I couldn’t afford to offend. I hid my shame and moved close to him, to plant a kiss on his neck in hopes of getting on his good side. It was his most sensitive area. But he indifferently turned his back towards me, exuding hostility from his entire body, like ice three feet thick he cast me a thousand miles away. I was all over him like Cutie but to no avail. He had always had a thing for my body but today I had gone overboard, so he wasn’t in the mood.

I felt fear in my heart, finally I to abandon my efforts, crestfallen as I decided to return to my room.The minute my feet touched the ground, I suddenly heard him ask,”You haven’t visited your Uncle lately?”

I couldn’t help but shiver, using all my strength to prevent my teeth from shaking, or perhaps grab the vase and throw it at that person on the bed. This devil, this devil, he always had the ability to make me lose control in under a second, to make me regret what I had just done. I clenched my fists tightly, the frozen muscles on my face must have looked scary, I forced myself to breathe, so that I wouldn’t scream.

“Go back to your own room,” he calmly said, “I want to sleep.”

I tried my best to keep myself in check, to let myself move my feet with normalcy and walk to the side of the bed. He finally turned around, looked at me, “You look so pale, feeling very sad?”

I mustered all my effort and smiled at him.

His expression was cold, “If you can’t smile don’t smile, looking even worse than when you’re crying.”

I quietly got onto the bed again, to attempt to burrow into his arms. But he pushed me away without even looking, I tried again and he pushed me away again, I tried again and again and he pushed me away again and again. I could only move over, numbly waiting, feeling as though someone threw a punch at my heart. At first I still felt pain afterwards I didn’t feel any, a moment and another moment…like the blunt blow of a pendulum, letting fate swing me around.

Eventually he lost his patience, using more strength this time, I knocked into the lamp on the side table, it fell with a swoosh. I instinctively rolled down trying to hold onto it but I didn’t manage to. Because I used too much strength, my forehead hit against the brass handles of the bedside cabinet. The hot searing pain gushed through my head, and the lamp broke into pieces with a loud crash. The embroidered lampshade rolled out of the way and the blue and white porcelain body had broken into shards. The items in his room were never cheap, especially the lights.

I fearfully looked at the broken shards, disregarding the pain on my forehead. I remembered when Cutie was disobedient during its younger days, scurrying about in the living room of the villa all the time and eventually broke an antique lamp, he was so angry that he was just short of giving Cutie away. Cutie had a much higher position in his heart than me, if this lamp was truly an antique, I might as well jump out of the window and end it for good.

He had already put on his slippers and was walking towards me, perhaps he was really going to throw me out of the window, I screamed in panic, “I didn’t mean to…”

“Come over.”

I spinelessly begged, “I truly didn’t mean to…”

He came closer and closer and I backed away, his expression looked bad, reaching out his hand to pull me,”Don’t move!” Just then, I tripped and I didn’t know why but I completely fell backwards. The moment I fell it was as though a thousand arrows had pierced through my heart, so painfully that I let out a cry. I must had fallen on the broken porcelain shards. Cold sweat oozed out in waves, lingering death (medieval Chinese torture method: Death by a thousand cuts) was just like this. My back felt like it was split open, or like ten thousand needles piercing through, every breath brought such pain that my eyes went blank. I finally cried, making use of this chance, my back was in such deathly pain and my heart hurt as well. I couldn’t keep it in any longer, and my tears gushed out.

Mo Shao Qian had already knelt down, “I told you not to move!”

I couldn’t say a word. He turned me over, seemingly checking my injuries, and paused for a while. He stretched his arm out and carried me up, out the door, Cutie heard the commotion and rushed out, barking at us. I saw my blood dripping onto the floor, dripping onto Cutie’s snow white fur. Cutie was barking furiously. I was faint at the sight of blood, leaning my entire weight on Mo Shao Qian’s arms. The housekeeper also came out because of all the noise, shocked at the scene before her. She hurriedly called the chauffeur, Mo Shao Qian had already took the elevator down with me.

When we reached the underground garage, the chauffeur had yet to reach, I didn’t know since when Mo Shao Qian had the car keys in his hands, he placed me in the backseat,”Lie on your front!”, and started driving the car himself.

I was like a tortoise lying there, with every jerk of the car I was in immense pain. I already stopped crying, just lying there waiting for each wave of pain. It made my mind clear, void of all distractions. I didn’t make a sound, because even breathing made me tremble with pain. At the red light, Mo Shao Qian finally turned to look at me, probably afraid that I was dead. He had spent quite a bit of money on me, if I died his investment would be gone. He was such shrewd capitalist, how could he incur losses.

Finally we reached the hospital, I was already weak with pain, the was a buzzing in my ears, like hundreds of bees flying around. I laid on my front on the roll-away bed, and amidst the noise of a hundred bees, I heard him tell the doctor, “That won’t do…she is prone to scarring…”

That’s right, my body was prone to scarring, I would turn into a crocodile soon, or lizard…or any animal with scaly backs. The doctors pushed me into the elevator again go to a higher level, and injected me anesthesia. I slowly drifted out of consciousness…perhaps I slept for a little while, perhaps I didn’t, I just napped…in any case when I awoke, the doctor was still cleaning the wounds on my back. I was facing a stainless steel basin, filled with bloodied porcelain shards. From time to time the doctor used the tweezers to pluck out a shard, throwing it into the basin with a “dang”.

This sound was too scary, I fearfully closed my eyes.

It wasn’t my zodiac year, why was I so unlucky.

After the wounds on my back had been stitched together, I was pushed out of the operating theatre. The housekeeper finally arrived, with a huge bag in her hands. I didn’t know what she was holding, only when I saw Mo Shao Qian did I remember that we were both in pyjamas and slippers.

I didn’t care, afterall my pyjamas had already been cut apart by the doctor, my back was covered with gauze. But the typically well-dressed Mo Shao Qian, standing in the hospital in his pyjamas and slippers, was really quite an amusing sight.

He changed into his clothes, seeing my lying there unmoving said, “Like a hedgehog, you deserve it.”

I was sprawled there, pathetically asking, “Are you appeased?

I didn’t want to rely on sympathy but since things were already like this I should try my best to appeal to his sense of empathy so that it would be worth it. But his anger did not seem to ease, because his voice was calm,”From Yong Zheng kiln, and modelled after porcelain from King Xuande’s reign, you just smashed one like that, what an extravagant waste.”

To turn a piece from Yong Zheng kiln into a lamp, who is the wasteful one here? I didn’t do it on purpose, and in any case if he didn’t push me, would I have knocked into the lamp? To get on his good side was too difficult but it was too easy to incur his fury. My back was full of porcelain shards, yet he never once hesitated, because the Yong Zheng vase was more precious than me.

Because there wasn’t any damage to my nerves, after an hour’s observation, I could be discharged. The chauffeur came to pick us up, on the road back the anesthesia slowly wore off, causing me to wince in pain. I became a tortoise, carrying thick gauze on my back, like a shell. Mo Shao Qian couldn’t be bothered with me, I followed behind him, hurting with every step I took. When entering the elevator I hunched like an old lady. Upon reaching home, I ate two Ibuprofen pills but they didn’t alleviate the pain. I laid on my front for almost half the night but couldn’t fall asleep. Because in the silence of the night, the wounds on my back seemed to hurt even more.

Just as I was fidgeting the room door was pushed open, in the dim lights I saw Mo Shao Qian, I raised my head off the pillow and asked, “Why aren’t you asleep?”

He expression was dark, “With all the noise you’re making, how can I sleep? Wincing so loudly in the middle of the night, what for?”

I opened my mouth but didn’t say a word. There was a corridor separating his room and mine, with both doors closed, how could he hear me wincing? He wasn’t Cutie, how could his hearing be even sharper than a dog’s?

He disappeared from the door for a while, and reappeared with a cup of water. He stuffed a few pills in my mouth, then brought the cup to my lips. I was forced to drink almost half the cup of water before asking,”What did you feed me with?”

“Morphine, suitable for alleviating pain in the third stage of cancer.”

I grabbed his arm,”Why would you have such a thing?”

He didn’t reply, in that moment I shivered and came to a realization, could it be that he had cancer? This wasn’t a commonly kept medicine yet he could simply give me a pill. I raised my head to look at him, a person who was filled with energy, he wouldn’t have cancer right?

He seemed to read my thoughts, coldly smiling, “You’re hoping that I’ll die.”

“No.”

Denying did not cause him to let me off, he suddenly held me down forcefully, the wounds on my back were so painful that I almost cried out but he immediately pressed his lips against mine. I couldn’t even cry out, it felt like someone pressed me against hot iron, the skin on my back going taut from the waves of pain. I didn’t fight, fighting back would just cause more pain. I was about to faint from the pain, but the medicine slowly took effect. My body was no longer obeying me, it was like a heavy shell, I had no control over it. Just like that night. I couldn’t even cry, my body was void of strength, as though a huge rock was pressing on me, then against it was like I was drowning in water, constantly being pulled downwards, pulled downwards yet I couldn’t fight back anymore…

I drifted between the effects of the medicine and the pain, I may have mumbled or called out for my mother…mum save me…mum hurry save me…but I knew in my heart that my mother would not come, she was dead. She along with my dad were dead, two of them were blown to pieces, faces such a blur that I could not recognize them.

I didn’t cry just that I couldn’t catch my breath, trying to grab something from thin air or perhaps nothing at all. Even the guy who brought me warmth and peace had left, he said to me,”Let’s break up.” Then he turned and left.

I panted and panted, as though I was about to die. Three years ago, I had died once. I slashed my wrists, and placed my hand in the warm bath water, watching the blood diffuse into water, bloodying the entire bathtub turning the water red. I endured, because I would faint at the sight of blood, eventually I fainted. I was supposed to die, if the water didn’t flood out of the bathtub onto the floor and Cutie’s sudden barking alerted someone. I was saved in the hospital, losing god knows how much blood. I heard that I almost used up all the blood in the stockpile for my type. The doctor did over ten hours of surgery on me, trying their best to join the nerves that I had slashed apart but they weren’t successful. My left hand thus lost its strength. It was only capable of tasks that did not require too much skill.

I had once sought death with such determination, but it paid no heed, even it had abandoned me.

The effects of the medicine made me giddy and nauseous, the ceiling distorted into weird shapes in my eyes, just endure…just endure and it would pass…that was what I thought every time. But Mo Shao Qian turned my face towards him, the look in his eyes were so sharp, like those of a leopard in its hunt. As though through his eyes he was tearing me apart, his hands were so cold, so cold that I trembled. I used all my strength to turn my face away but he turned it back again. I didn’t know what came over me, I bit his hand mercilessly. The rawness of blood invaded my senses, still he didn’t let go.

He was like a kind of carnivore, biting its prey until it died, indifferent to any kind of injury to himself.

I didn’t know if I fainted or fell asleep, the medicine made me lose all consciousness, whether it was pain or loathing, they never appeared again. I drifted into endless darkness, that gentleness and safety, would never be hurt again.